Wednesday, February 3, 2010

You know, I keep wanting to write something. And make it happy. And make it cool. And make everyone believe how happy I am. But I can't. And I have really no clue why everything I start writing turns out so BLEH. And why everytime I start writing I get so overwhelmed. Writing on paper, on the computer, on blogger, on anything. And when I'm sitting on the couch or in my room or something, there's all this shit going through my head. And I keep thinking "I'll just blog about it or talk to _____ about it or do something about it," but I don't do any of those things. Because once I sit down to do one of them, nothing comes out. And I haven't been talking to anyone lately. And I've been having a lot of those, "Yeah, I'm completely positive I'm not sad and that I'm okay." And you know, I've never had that feeling of wanting to cry for no reason before, but not I do. And now is when there is nothing coming out. I feel like the outside of me is numb, but the inside of me is going freaking insane. And there's all these emotions bouncing back and forth, fighting for a way out. And I don't know how to interact with anyone anymore except a couple of really amazingly good friends who don't deserve to be treated like crap by anyone else because they are trying to help me out a little. And they don't deserve to be treated like crap by me. I can't hold a conversation longer than a few minutes with anyone else lately. And all I'm hearing at home is that I better stay on top of school work and I have to focus on Sadies and talent show and confirmation and if I have to do that and school I'm not gonna be able to handle it. And I really miss my brothers right now. I hate coming home to such an empty house. I hate not having them here to drive me places and talk to me and help me out. And I want a better relationship with my mom and dad. Because I don't want what happened to Adrian to happen to me. I hate hearing how other people "know" what's going on with me. Because, no, you don't. You don't know shit. AND AGHH I don't like complaining. I honestly don't. But for some reason, I feel so amazingly overwhelmed/confused/unhappy/gross right now. And hopefully, this is all just PMSing. And I'll be fine by Saturday or Sunday or Monday. All I know is that I have so much to do, and I'm really scared to break down anytime soon. And I'm thinking about drafting this. But at the same time, I don't think I will, because I think this is a kinda sorta explanation for anybody, if anyone still reads this, for why I've been so up and down lately. And why sometimes I'm so extremely happy and sometimes I'm not. I think being moody makes people tired. And I realized I used the word "and" to start so many sentences in this post. But yeah.

On a sidenote. Megan just found out what PDS is this week. And it's really funny cause she seems so weirded out by it. And I really, really want something good to happen for her soon, because she's been through so much lately, also.

p.s. I kind of really admire people who can be happy for other people even when those people hurt them in the past. And I really wish I was a better person.


So little to say,
but so much time.
Despite my empty mouth,
the words are in my mind.
Please wear the face,
the one where you smile,
because you lighten up my heart,
when I start to cry.

Forgive me, first love,
but I'm tired.
I need to get away,
to feel again.
Try to understand why.