Balance of Emotions

Crying yourself to sleep is oddly calming/horrifying/thought-provoking/lovely/something I've never done. Until last night. Tears rolling down my face, a super stuffy nose that wouldn't let me breathe, body convulsing sobs, weird sounds escaping my mouth. Then, I got all cried out, and I could breathe so easily, and I was perfectly tired to fall asleep, and there weren't any thoughts running through my head. So yeah, kinda wonderful/terrifying/scary/cleansing. All in one. It's like hitting twenty birds with one stone.

I was scared. It wouldn't stop. It was weird. When I sat up, no tears came, but right when I laid down it was like a freaking river. Then I thought about calling someone, to help me till I fell asleep. I didn't know who to call. ): But also I didn't wanna be loud or else my brother would hear me. So there I was, hitting my pillow and trying not to make any noises, and thinking about how there would be no one to call if I had to. ):

But then! I woke up this morning, and I felt refreshed. I had let out everything from yesterday at night, and I only had puffy eyes as proof. So yeah the day waas eh. It was another roller coaster! Hahaha. But in PE I got SOO mad at the teachers. And me and Megan ended up losing two points cause we were too tired to run. So yeeah. Lame PE teachers (esp. Mr. Crissman!). But thennn after school, Me, Megan, and Jessica went to the mall and I got a top to wear to ALOHA! Which I am still UBER excited about. :D So yeeeah. Now I have to finish my homework. and Tomorrow I have to study like maaad for history test on friday.

So. Overall. This is a non-exciting & non-depressing post!! I'm getting better. (: I promise. I just need him to get better also. I love all you guys. (:

Ride this roller coaster.

"A word of encouragement during a failure is worth more than an hour of praise after success."
Severe depression.
I love you. <3

I'll be here for you.

Talk about a great way to start my new pursuit of happiness. -_- When you're bombarded with such life changing information on the way to school, it takes your whole gut to keep yourself from crying or breaking down randomly during class. It takes all your strength to smile and laugh and joke. Then you begin to forget about the problem, and you're actually happy, but then you remember and you feel guilty for being happy. Life is a vicious cycle.

BUTBUTBUT. Don't worry. I'm still trying! Yesterday night I wrote a letter to the first person on my list. I hopehopehope I can talk to him this week. I needa get it off my chest. I was out of it today. I'm going to sleep early tonight and refresh my mind, and work towards a better perspective of life. (:

And. Joe, Priyanka, Alice, Isabel, and Michelle. I love you guys. <3 Haha JOE go to Aloha!! And, yes, let's take a picture, Priyanka! BTW I saw you at Borders todaay! hehe. But i was being sneaky and you didn't see me. x) Alice, Isabel, you guys are beautiful. (: And Michelle, I think you are the truly amazing one. I hope it works out for me, also. And yeah. (:

Basically, today was tough. I'm still confused about what happened. My family's different, but it's not noticeable. I hope we fix it. I hope you know we love you like heck, and we'll do anything for you. I hope you continue living your life. I love you. <3

EDIT. I'm inspired by the people who read what I wrote in the previous post and were inspired. You guys, I truly love you. (: HAHA. I just had to put that. But yeah. I'm reinspired. I need a lot of inspiration to live out life to it's fullest and enjoy what's give to me. So, let's all do this together. (: We need each other to get through life.

The Glass Is Half Full. (:

Guess what, guys? I want to be little and cheerful and young and innocent again. I want to think boys are gross and girls will never ever do anything mean to me. I want to believe in fairytales again, I want to be that princess that gets rescued by a prince and lives happily ever after. I want my fun, care-free parents back. I want my brothers to talk again, and to be the best friends that they were. I want everyone around me to be happy. I want people not to regret their actions; because if they regret them why'd they even do them in the first place? I want to not be hated, I want to not hate. I want everyone I have hurt to forgive me. I want everyone to be best friends. I want the world to breathe easy again, I want it to flourish and grow and be beautiful and wonderful and amazing. I want the world to accept everyone in it, because they were put there for a reason. I want the world to love again; deeply routed strands of love running through the jungles and the rivers and the skyscrapers and the little villages and back around again and again. These strands of love should tie everyone together, should hold us up when someone falls. They're not there though. Why not? Because not eveyone loves, not everyone looks for the best in people. I want them to, though.

My goals for the end of this year are to:
-Apologize to the people I have hurt. I'm literally going to speak to the people that I think I've hurt the most. If I hurt you, and I don't apologize, let me know. I'm serious. I will apologize.
-Notice the best of the best things in people everyday. And then tell them this. I'm going to complement people that I see as best I can. They should know they're beautiful, I shouldn't very well keep this information to myself.
-Find the beauty in everything. Notice the small things. I used to be good at this. I started getting distracted. Now, I don't even look at clouds anymore. I need to cherish the smallest, most happy moments of my life.
-Be more optimistic. And not think about bad things for days, and just let them go.

Those are the two main ones. I want to do them. So if you see me not doing this, tell me. (: I know I can't be young again. But I'm going to try to make the best of growing up. I want to be happy, I want to see beauty, I want to love everyone, I want to spread joy; I want to be me, with a motiviation to live out everything, a newfound happiness. Care to join me? Let's make the best of our last days of freshman year, let's clear our slates, let's forgive those who have hurt us, let's seek forgiveness from those we've hurt, let's notice that pretty flower alone in a field of grass, let's notice her new hair pin, let's laugh for hours on end until we cry, let's open ourselves to everyone. Let's learn from and teach people around us how to love and enjoy life's little beauties. Sounds good, Yeah? :D

So, other than that. I think that Scandalous Scholastics by Gym Class Heroes is such a good song!! AND ALOHA IS ON FRIDAY!! O-MFREAKING-G that's in four days! I need something to wear! Everyone better go. I want to take pictures! Make sure you guys take a picture with me! I want to capture every memory. I've been having a shortage of pictures lately. haha. So yeeah. It's soon! And I'm going to have so much extra time now that I don't have ID practices. ): I wanna make one of those chains that you pull of one each day and it's a countdown. I'll make it a countdown to the last day of school.

That's so bittersweet. I'm so looking forward to summer and volleyball and soccer but I'm not looking forward to Health or Adrian's graduation or him going away or Daniel going back to college and me being home alone all of next year. I don't want to not see everyone everyday. Even passing by you, I say hi usually. I'm going to miss that during the summer. AGH. But whatever. Summer should still be fun. I'm going to try SO hard to sleep as much as I can and to read as much as I can! I have so many books to catch up on!!

So. This is such a randomass post. Sorry! But. I just don't wanna do my Spanish script. x) Haha. So if you read through this, good luck stringing everything together. (: I just wanna say I love you guys who do read this, even though we don't talk much at school. At least I know some people know these random tidbits of my life. Haha. Expect a happier me, tomorrow. Hopefully. (:

International Day

YAYYY SECOND PLACE!!! (: Good job guys. Thank you to everyone who put up with me and my craziness and thank you for listening when it become important. I watched the video my dad recorded of us today, and we looked amazing. (:

Juniors. Stop hating. In case you never noticed, you are not the only ones who ever did Irish/hula/Chinese/or Indian dancing. We didn't even do the same dances, just the same cultures. You guys are lame. We didn't even remember your act while planning. If every class was liek you, everyone would be mad because we almost all do certain dances every year. -__- lame. And yeah, way to post the link of your act from 2007 all over facebook. We get it. You think we copied you. But, honestly, we really didn't remember it. It wasn't uber memorable to seventh graders. Sorry. But yeah. Stop hating please. We worked hard on what we did and I know that I don't appreciate that you guys think we copied you, because we didn't.

Ugh Idk. It's not just juniors. Not even all juniors. Just some people. I'm not saying that your act that year was bad, I think it was really good as i'm watching it again. hence, you guys won first place. but it's just frustrating to think that we must really think everyone's copying each other. but whatevs.

once again, thank you class of 2012, you are amazing and even though getting your guys' attention and cooperation was hard a lotta times, everything still worked out. (:

Mother's Dayy.

I just love how I always fuck up on the same day every year. My mom must love that too. My whole freaking family must love it. Something must be wrong with me.

Lame.

That's my new favorite word of the time. (: It explains so much stuff! Like my life. Lame. ):