i snapped at my dad today...
what the fuck is going on with me?

apparently, i suck at being alone. I thought i liked it, but when it was voluntary. But now that it's forced, i fucking hate it and don't know how to handle it.

I feel like my baby's growing up; and I feel like I'm not getting older while she is and I'm getting left behind. Two seemingly different concepts, but they produce basically the same feeling. I don't really know how to react, but I do know that I really am happy for you, I just need time to adjust. Who woulda thought... Anyways, honey, I still love you and I am sooo happy that you are finally content and satisfied, just make sure to always make time for me. <3
And. On a side note. Who would have thought that all I had to do was ask. You're back in my lifee.. and if anyone reading this keeps in touch with me at all, you know you I am talking about, and I must inform you that I'm pretty damn excited. (:

"there's something about you that seems to paint on my mind, no matter what I do the colors never fade"

so pretty! i wish it was written for me! LOL.

and i bet you never would have thought i was capable of missing you this much. people like you have a big effect on the impressionable and innocent young. i bet if i were to meet you now for the first time... I'd still be affected in the same way. it's just how you are. even though I'm older and less naive, you are still you, you are still someone that can make their mark on anyone without even trying. and everyday, i hate you for that, but i love you for it at the same time. I think forgetting about you would be worse, by far, then having you at the back of my mind everyday.

and i bet you never would have thought that it was possible for me to want you in my life this badly.

family

I enjoyed myself tonight with my family... not just my parents and brothers but my cousins and aunts and nieces and nephews and everyone. usually, there's so much tension and fighting going on between family members that everyone is walking on eggshells, but tonight, it was actually fun. and it made me realize that i need them in my life, because they are the people who should love me no matter what, and they don't judge or hate or anything, and i kind of miss them. my godfather, my padrino is what i call him, made me so sad because he told me i never call him padrino anymore, and i miss the old days. i used to adore him, love him unconditionally, and always want to be with him. i don't not love him anymore, don't get me wrong, i really really do love him. but i feel like now that i am older i don't see him through innocent eyes anymore, and i have grown more distant to him because of language barriers and less time with him. when i was little, no matter how much time i spent apart from him, i could run to him and hug him and spend hours with him, but now if i spend time apart for him, it takes time to get comfortable around him. but i love him sososo much and i miss being little and open to everything. I want me and my family to be closer. but everyone is so headstrong and stubborn that people always fight. it makes me so sad because i am not even myself around them anymore. you know how i see it? it shouldnt fucking matter if you had a disagreement with your sister and therefore your kids can't talk to each other, it shouldn't fucking matter if you have differences. put them aside and get together more often than just the holidays. -__- just my random rant for today. i miss my family!

i think the best way to let things go and get over them is just that. to let them go. a complete separation of everything;; no contact, no thoughts, no dreams, no longing. basically, quitting them cold turkey. no texting, no stalking, no two minute conversations. straight up nothingness, and I'll let go and be over everything. sound good? and, on that thought, fuck self-pity and feeling sorry for myself. there is nothing to feel sorry for, so i'm just making stuff up in my head. everything is fine. i just need to let go. starting with this.