Those days

Those days when everything seems to be going wrong.

Those days when every little wrong look sets you off.

Those days when you want to cry every five minutes.

Those days when you feel yourself pushing away no matter how bad you want it.

Those days when you wish you could just give in, just let everything else go.

Those days when you would give anything to say fuck it all and mean it.

Those days when you want just a few more minutes with someone, a few more words, a few more mutual understandings.

Those days when you want to go back in time, to where there was no trouble, because this is too much to handle.

Those days when you feel that the world is going to hell and back, but leaving you there instead of bringing you back with it.

I want one of those days where I'm happy to be where I am, who I am, and with who I want to be. One of those days when you love every second of it, the ups and the downs included. One of those days where you are able to say, "I'd love it" when they ask "What if we..." I need one of those days soon.

It's weird to tell people that, yeah, of course we made up and we're good now. when you don't even believe it yourself at times. I should fix this. :/

I truly, truly appreciate that you are inquiring about her. I'm glad to tell you how she's doing, if she needs anything, and any other details you may want to know. But what about how I'm doing?

The thing is, I'm not all too shaken up, just a little rattled. But I'd still really appreciate the question from some people, or maybe a hug, or something. Just so that I don't become completely numb about the whole thing, because I am definitely on my way there.

"I'm about to lose my mind."

and my emotions. and my body. and my health. my sanity is slipping away. too much and in too little time is driving me crazy. don't get me wrong, for the most part i like being busy, i like having things to do, but lately it's just been too much. i hope things start to get better soon :)

i am fucking sick of this bullshit.

i am fucking sorry that the times that everyone else does well, i fuck up.

i am sorry that i make stupid careless mistakes.

i am sorry that i don't do as fucking well as everyone around me.

i am sorry that i don't dedicate my life to the one thing that matters most in your life, and that i care about other things as well.

i am sorry that i fucking try so hard, even though you may not see it, and i still don't come out on top.

i'm fucking sorry that my best doesn't meet your expectations.

maybe one of these days, you'll all be proud of me instead of her, him, or all the other kids. maybe one of these days, you'll realize that this is important to me, so when I don't do well, i already feel like shit. and you just make it worse.

i snapped at my dad today...
what the fuck is going on with me?

apparently, i suck at being alone. I thought i liked it, but when it was voluntary. But now that it's forced, i fucking hate it and don't know how to handle it.