"When was the last time you smiled yourself to sleep?" - You Believe, Steven Dunston <3
"Okay," he said. He took a breath. "What would you do, if you could do anything?"
I took a step toward him, closing the space between us. "This," I said. And then I kissed him.
"Everyone had a forever, but given a choice, this would be mine. The one that began in this moment, with Wes, in a kiss that took my breath away, then gave it back - leaving me astounded, amazed, and most of all, alive."
Favorite favorite favorite book of all time. (:
Friday, August 21, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Summer2009
SUMMER2009 has been a fail. but also fun. but also pointless. and i'm getting restless. I want school to start kinda sorta. I wanna talk about my summer so far, but it's been pretty pointless. I still want to (1) go to disneyland, (2) go to Palm Springs with Megan, (3) go to a partayy at amritas house (:, (4) plaay with a certain person that I saw at chuck e cheese's at jessica's birthday, if you know what i mean. ;D but actually, no. this one won't happen ):, (5) go ice skating, (6) go to light the night, (5) watch like 34904190 movies, (6) get better at volleyball, and (7) have a bonding thingie with volleyball girls. BUTBUT there's so much more I want to do. and none of it will happen. and hardly any of these things will happen. how disheartening. ):
sososo. I went on a bracelet making kick, and i got all excited about making them again cause it was a while since I made them. But now, there is no one to give them to. ): cause no one asks me for them since like 2039 bajillion people can make them now. BUT if anybody wants a bracelet, i'd be more than happy to make you one. no joke. I'm that bored that i need to do something with my hands at all times. so if no one wants them, i'm just gonna make like 30 and have no where to put them. and that's a sad future for these poor bracelets.
on another note. "I just don't think you should rush into getting your license. It's a big responsibility to drive around others. I can just take you everywhere for a couple years. Danny and Adrian don't even give you that many rides." Basically. "I'm making up every possible excuse to keep you from driving." -__- L;IJEALK i was so excited to get my permit. and I talked about it with my parents today, and they won't have it. they don't want me to drive. but really, my brothers give me SO many rides all the time, and they'll both be gone now. So I will have many many more awkward rides with my mom because I won't be able to drive. ): it's not really a big deal, it just made me sad.
9 days until: my life changes, there's an extra room in my house, there's one less person to share my bathroom with, there'll be no one to drive that blue car with its respective "yale" and "usc" stickers, until I'm that much closer to being alone with my parents. 9 days until Adrian moves out of the house. All year, I was saying I won't be sad when he leaves. That's it'll be better for him, for me, and for my parents when he's gone. I've been saying I won't cry when we drop him off. That OF COURSE NOT I won't be sad, why would I? but I don't know anymore. It'll be so different. then a couple weeks later, Danny's going back to Yale. And I can't stop thinking about how weird it will be. The two people who I need at home to help me with my parents, who I watch tv with and talk about my life with, the two people who I've relied so heavily on for the past few years. they're both gonna be gone. I'm scared of Adrian leaving. Danny, I always knew he'd come back often. But Adrian. Once he's gone, he's gone for good. I think. He won't come back for random things if he can help it. And now, I'm realizing I'll miss him. And I keep wanting to hang out with him alone before he leaves, like lunch or a movie or Cue or something. But I can't, because he still sees me more as a sister he has to deal with then as a friend. And LIJDAJIJEL i just don't know. I'm so up and down about him leaving. And the thing is, when Danny left, I wasn't as close with him as I feel to Adrian. So it wasn't as tough. But idk maybe i'm just pmsing right now or something. who knows.
I raised my hands as if to show you I was yours
That I was so yours for the taking
And I'm still so yours for the taking
And that's when I felt the wind pick up
I grabbed the rail while choking up
No words to say, And then you kissed me....
this is my new favorite song. <3 I love/hate love songs. x) They're like a beacon of hope but also a flashlight that illuminates all that you can't have. it kinda sucks. But still, when Ade danced to this in Sytycd i literally like swooned. haha. I lovee it. (:
sososo. I went on a bracelet making kick, and i got all excited about making them again cause it was a while since I made them. But now, there is no one to give them to. ): cause no one asks me for them since like 2039 bajillion people can make them now. BUT if anybody wants a bracelet, i'd be more than happy to make you one. no joke. I'm that bored that i need to do something with my hands at all times. so if no one wants them, i'm just gonna make like 30 and have no where to put them. and that's a sad future for these poor bracelets.
on another note. "I just don't think you should rush into getting your license. It's a big responsibility to drive around others. I can just take you everywhere for a couple years. Danny and Adrian don't even give you that many rides." Basically. "I'm making up every possible excuse to keep you from driving." -__- L;IJEALK i was so excited to get my permit. and I talked about it with my parents today, and they won't have it. they don't want me to drive. but really, my brothers give me SO many rides all the time, and they'll both be gone now. So I will have many many more awkward rides with my mom because I won't be able to drive. ): it's not really a big deal, it just made me sad.
9 days until: my life changes, there's an extra room in my house, there's one less person to share my bathroom with, there'll be no one to drive that blue car with its respective "yale" and "usc" stickers, until I'm that much closer to being alone with my parents. 9 days until Adrian moves out of the house. All year, I was saying I won't be sad when he leaves. That's it'll be better for him, for me, and for my parents when he's gone. I've been saying I won't cry when we drop him off. That OF COURSE NOT I won't be sad, why would I? but I don't know anymore. It'll be so different. then a couple weeks later, Danny's going back to Yale. And I can't stop thinking about how weird it will be. The two people who I need at home to help me with my parents, who I watch tv with and talk about my life with, the two people who I've relied so heavily on for the past few years. they're both gonna be gone. I'm scared of Adrian leaving. Danny, I always knew he'd come back often. But Adrian. Once he's gone, he's gone for good. I think. He won't come back for random things if he can help it. And now, I'm realizing I'll miss him. And I keep wanting to hang out with him alone before he leaves, like lunch or a movie or Cue or something. But I can't, because he still sees me more as a sister he has to deal with then as a friend. And LIJDAJIJEL i just don't know. I'm so up and down about him leaving. And the thing is, when Danny left, I wasn't as close with him as I feel to Adrian. So it wasn't as tough. But idk maybe i'm just pmsing right now or something. who knows.
I raised my hands as if to show you I was yours
That I was so yours for the taking
And I'm still so yours for the taking
And that's when I felt the wind pick up
I grabbed the rail while choking up
No words to say, And then you kissed me....
this is my new favorite song. <3 I love/hate love songs. x) They're like a beacon of hope but also a flashlight that illuminates all that you can't have. it kinda sucks. But still, when Ade danced to this in Sytycd i literally like swooned. haha. I lovee it. (:
Friday, July 10, 2009
Dear Summer Lovers;
"I knew if I gave into it, I'd have to surrender myself completely. I'd lose all control. Everything I knew, everything I was, the walls I'd built up to protect myself all these years would come crashing down. I might get lost in the rubble."
Keeping You a Secret; Julie Anne Peters
Kind of explains my life. It's so reassuring, to read these books, and meet these characters that are experiencing everything I have. Books are my secret pleasure. Everyone sees me as a nerd. They don't stop to think about what it is I'm reading, or why. Why? Because when I read, I read about the lives of other people, about their hardships, their crushes, their break-ups, their first loves, first kisses, first times; I read about their losses, their troubles, their parents, their life. And in the time that I'm reading, I don't think about my own life at all. How many things do you do that actually take you that much away from yourself? Soccer, volleyball, they kind of do that for me also. But reading a book with a bowl of ice cream, sitting in my bed under the covers, with the breeze coming in through my windows, it is absolutely the best thing ever to me. It's weird, I guess. You get your pleasures and happinesses from sports, from writing, from drawing, from music, from those types of things. I get mine from books. I can spend hours reading through a book I've already read three times, and it doesn't feel like a waste of time. In fact, it feels like the time goes by too fast. I love that. So, yeah. I like reading. Call me a nerd if you want to. (:
So I read The Year of Secret Assignments recently.
Truthfully, I bought it because of the name of one of the characters. You know that guy I saw at Chuck E. Cheese, that guy who had me second guessing my feelings? If you don't, then oh well. But yeah. That guy. His name was in this book. I saw it, so I bought it. HOW CRAZY IS THAT. But yeah. I've talked to him. I don't get butterflies through texting; who does? I want to hang out with him. I'm scared to. You know how sometimes you create the illusion that you absolutely love this person, but then you hang out with them a bit more, and you don't feel that way anymore? I don't want that to happen. Sometimes, is it better to leave things as they are, in that perfect place, or to pursue it, whether it turns out well or not? Don't get me wrong, I don't like him. But he is still someone I have wanted to get close to again since he left Whitney. You know, when I saw him randomly, I practically pushed three people out of my booth to get up to go see him? I've never had that rush of emotions about anyone before. It was fun. But it was a long time ago. OHMYOHMY. I don't like him. (: I don't like anyone. Not that anyone cares.
But. The Year of Secret Assignments and Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac are really good books. (: And Keeping You a Secret is about lesbians/gays. Not that I care. But it took me twenty pages to figure it out. Because the main character's name is Holland, and she is talking about a girl, but I couldn't tell if Holland is a boys' name or a girls' name. x)
Today in Health; it was boring. I think I would die in that class if Mr. Burnett didn't talk to Melissa and me a lot. Because I try to participate a lot, and it's still boring. How is it in the back of the class for you guys? :O And so, we're doing that BestLookingPersonoftheOppositeGender thing. Thanks a lot second period. I blush easily. So Andy got picked, then he picked me and I blushed even though I didn't really feel the blush, and so then I picked Chris and it's so awkward when you get put on the spot like that and are expected to say a name. Like. It won't come out! I could feel my lips twitching. HAHA. And it's not like you love the person, right? It's just to so publicly call someone out is embarrassing. THEN Chris picked me again. I don't know why! I think he was just too lazy to pick someone. HAHAH. (huh, Chris? If you're reading this.) So the whole class went crazy and was like "Ooooh something's going on here!" and Melissa said I was blushing like crazy again. Haha. Fun times. (: But yeah. ChristopherPlatt, I will get you back. :D
Love,
Marissa Fierro (:
P.S. This is the prettiest post I've ever made, by my standards. (:
Keeping You a Secret; Julie Anne Peters
Kind of explains my life. It's so reassuring, to read these books, and meet these characters that are experiencing everything I have. Books are my secret pleasure. Everyone sees me as a nerd. They don't stop to think about what it is I'm reading, or why. Why? Because when I read, I read about the lives of other people, about their hardships, their crushes, their break-ups, their first loves, first kisses, first times; I read about their losses, their troubles, their parents, their life. And in the time that I'm reading, I don't think about my own life at all. How many things do you do that actually take you that much away from yourself? Soccer, volleyball, they kind of do that for me also. But reading a book with a bowl of ice cream, sitting in my bed under the covers, with the breeze coming in through my windows, it is absolutely the best thing ever to me. It's weird, I guess. You get your pleasures and happinesses from sports, from writing, from drawing, from music, from those types of things. I get mine from books. I can spend hours reading through a book I've already read three times, and it doesn't feel like a waste of time. In fact, it feels like the time goes by too fast. I love that. So, yeah. I like reading. Call me a nerd if you want to. (:
So I read The Year of Secret Assignments recently.
Truthfully, I bought it because of the name of one of the characters. You know that guy I saw at Chuck E. Cheese, that guy who had me second guessing my feelings? If you don't, then oh well. But yeah. That guy. His name was in this book. I saw it, so I bought it. HOW CRAZY IS THAT. But yeah. I've talked to him. I don't get butterflies through texting; who does? I want to hang out with him. I'm scared to. You know how sometimes you create the illusion that you absolutely love this person, but then you hang out with them a bit more, and you don't feel that way anymore? I don't want that to happen. Sometimes, is it better to leave things as they are, in that perfect place, or to pursue it, whether it turns out well or not? Don't get me wrong, I don't like him. But he is still someone I have wanted to get close to again since he left Whitney. You know, when I saw him randomly, I practically pushed three people out of my booth to get up to go see him? I've never had that rush of emotions about anyone before. It was fun. But it was a long time ago. OHMYOHMY. I don't like him. (: I don't like anyone. Not that anyone cares.
But. The Year of Secret Assignments and Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac are really good books. (: And Keeping You a Secret is about lesbians/gays. Not that I care. But it took me twenty pages to figure it out. Because the main character's name is Holland, and she is talking about a girl, but I couldn't tell if Holland is a boys' name or a girls' name. x)
Today in Health; it was boring. I think I would die in that class if Mr. Burnett didn't talk to Melissa and me a lot. Because I try to participate a lot, and it's still boring. How is it in the back of the class for you guys? :O And so, we're doing that BestLookingPersonoftheOppositeGender thing. Thanks a lot second period. I blush easily. So Andy got picked, then he picked me and I blushed even though I didn't really feel the blush, and so then I picked Chris and it's so awkward when you get put on the spot like that and are expected to say a name. Like. It won't come out! I could feel my lips twitching. HAHA. And it's not like you love the person, right? It's just to so publicly call someone out is embarrassing. THEN Chris picked me again. I don't know why! I think he was just too lazy to pick someone. HAHAH. (huh, Chris? If you're reading this.) So the whole class went crazy and was like "Ooooh something's going on here!" and Melissa said I was blushing like crazy again. Haha. Fun times. (: But yeah. ChristopherPlatt, I will get you back. :D
Love,
Marissa Fierro (:
P.S. This is the prettiest post I've ever made, by my standards. (:
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
You Can't Hurry Love!
It's purely selfish. It's simply a wish. It's amazingly a desire. It's sadly a lie. It's terrifyingly a possibility. It's literally a dream. I want it to be a startling possibility, a blatant reality.
There's this song. I forgot what it is. It's annoying me. It says something about two people wishing they could be older? So that they could have a further along relationship. GOODNESS. I can't remember.
There's this song. I forgot what it is. It's annoying me. It says something about two people wishing they could be older? So that they could have a further along relationship. GOODNESS. I can't remember.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Tumblr?
What is it? :O I made one (http://carveyourheart.tumblr.com/) BUT i don't even know what it is. HAHA. I think I'll delete it.
TWO MORE DAYS. I'm almost done. Beatiful summer, that's so busy it's not even like a summer, is coming.
TWO MORE DAYS. I'm almost done. Beatiful summer, that's so busy it's not even like a summer, is coming.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
'Cause seven eight nine!
EIGHT MORE DAYS. I'm excited.nervous.scared.sad.elated.anxious.overjoyed! OHDEARLORD. Volleyball list comes out tomorrow! Our last IC meeting tomorrow for this year's IC! Math test that i'm gonna fail is on Tuesday! AND WEDNESDAY issss career presentation, math review, spanish presentation, history test, bio rat test! OHMY. AND the first next year's-IC meeting! then thurday is review/study like mad and friday/monday/tuesday is comps and wednesday is the favorite do nothing last day! And tuesday is beach activity! and permission slips are due thursday! and nso apps are due wednesday! and graduation is wednesday! does that mean i can't play that day?! :O and i get a yearbook on friday i think! and i still need to apologize! and I need to fix my eyes cause i can't wear contacts without them turning all red! and I need to go get a phsyical. I'M OUT OF BREATH JUST THINKING ABOUT IT. How exhausting these next ten days will be!!! :O But then it's over! Yay!
and i stole this from Isabel's blog. (:
SCHOOLS NEARLY OVER! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE IN THE PAST SCHOOLYEAR?
HAVE YOU....
[x my mom made me stay home for one period] skipped class
[x] had a Boy/Girl "interest"
[ ] kissed someone at school
[x] hugged someone at school
[ ] started a rumor
[ ] gotten a detention
[x but in the morning. no one saw!] cried in school
[x] made new friends
[x] gone to a dance
[x] been in a pep rally
[x] watched a football game
[x] watched a soccer game
[x] watched a baseball game
[x] watched a volleyball game
[ ] watched a tennis match
[x] watched a basketball game
[ ] watched a track meet
[ ] watched a lacrosse game
[ ] broken up with someone in school
[ ] been broken up with in school
[ ] fought with a teacher
[ ] walked to school
[ ] drove to school
[x] got dropped off at school
[x] heard a rumor about yourself
[ ] had something illegal at school
[x] missed school when you weren't sick
[ ] failed a test
[ ] made up some lame excuse for homework not being done
[ ] the teacher believed your lame excuse
[ ] you like a teacher you have
[ ] crushed on a teacher
[ ] hit on a teacher
[x] hate a teacher
[ ] on student council
[ ] in a club
[ ] got a scholarship
[x] got an award
[x] fallen asleep in school
[ ] gotten in trouble for falling asleep in class
[ ] had your phone go off in class
[ ]had your phone taken away
[x] lied to a teacher
[x] laughed so hard you cried in class
[ ] eaten lunch in the bathroom
[x] like your yearbook picture
[ ]missed more than a week at once of school
[x] enjoy school
[xx] excited for summer
[x] taking summer school
[ ] have a summer job
During this past school year have you...
Had a Boy/Girl friend?
NOPE!
Fallen in love?
Nosiree.
Cried over a boy/girl?
no. I unattached-attached myself. x)
Gotten in a fight about something stupid?
yes for suree.
Ruined a friendship?
In a way, it's getting better.
Started new friendships?
Yes!
Had a bangin party with just your girls/guys?
For suree. All girl parties are the funnest. (:
Been to a costume Party?
nopee
Played truth or dare?
Hahah yes a lot!
Failed a test?
Gotten C's.
Gotten yelled at by all your teachers for talking?
Yeah. Or more like. Death glares. till everyone else shuts me up.
Argued with a teacher about a grade?
Kindaa not really.
Skipped class?
Didn't come to second. came to third. does that count?
Had a birthday?
Yes! Party and birthday!
changed schools?
nopee.
Highlighted/ dyed your hair?
Yeah! Red underneath. Now it's like. Golden though. -__- HAHA.
and i stole this from Isabel's blog. (:
SCHOOLS NEARLY OVER! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE IN THE PAST SCHOOLYEAR?
HAVE YOU....
[x my mom made me stay home for one period] skipped class
[x] had a Boy/Girl "interest"
[ ] kissed someone at school
[x] hugged someone at school
[ ] started a rumor
[ ] gotten a detention
[x but in the morning. no one saw!] cried in school
[x] made new friends
[x] gone to a dance
[x] been in a pep rally
[x] watched a football game
[x] watched a soccer game
[x] watched a baseball game
[x] watched a volleyball game
[ ] watched a tennis match
[x] watched a basketball game
[ ] watched a track meet
[ ] watched a lacrosse game
[ ] broken up with someone in school
[ ] been broken up with in school
[ ] fought with a teacher
[ ] walked to school
[ ] drove to school
[x] got dropped off at school
[x] heard a rumor about yourself
[ ] had something illegal at school
[x] missed school when you weren't sick
[ ] failed a test
[ ] made up some lame excuse for homework not being done
[ ] the teacher believed your lame excuse
[ ] you like a teacher you have
[ ] crushed on a teacher
[ ] hit on a teacher
[x] hate a teacher
[ ] on student council
[ ] in a club
[ ] got a scholarship
[x] got an award
[x] fallen asleep in school
[ ] gotten in trouble for falling asleep in class
[ ] had your phone go off in class
[ ]had your phone taken away
[x] lied to a teacher
[x] laughed so hard you cried in class
[ ] eaten lunch in the bathroom
[x] like your yearbook picture
[ ]missed more than a week at once of school
[x] enjoy school
[xx] excited for summer
[x] taking summer school
[ ] have a summer job
During this past school year have you...
Had a Boy/Girl friend?
NOPE!
Fallen in love?
Nosiree.
Cried over a boy/girl?
no. I unattached-attached myself. x)
Gotten in a fight about something stupid?
yes for suree.
Ruined a friendship?
In a way, it's getting better.
Started new friendships?
Yes!
Had a bangin party with just your girls/guys?
For suree. All girl parties are the funnest. (:
Been to a costume Party?
nopee
Played truth or dare?
Hahah yes a lot!
Failed a test?
Gotten C's.
Gotten yelled at by all your teachers for talking?
Yeah. Or more like. Death glares. till everyone else shuts me up.
Argued with a teacher about a grade?
Kindaa not really.
Skipped class?
Didn't come to second. came to third. does that count?
Had a birthday?
Yes! Party and birthday!
changed schools?
nopee.
Highlighted/ dyed your hair?
Yeah! Red underneath. Now it's like. Golden though. -__- HAHA.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Balance of Emotions
Crying yourself to sleep is oddly calming/horrifying/thought-provoking/lovely/something I've never done. Until last night. Tears rolling down my face, a super stuffy nose that wouldn't let me breathe, body convulsing sobs, weird sounds escaping my mouth. Then, I got all cried out, and I could breathe so easily, and I was perfectly tired to fall asleep, and there weren't any thoughts running through my head. So yeah, kinda wonderful/terrifying/scary/cleansing. All in one. It's like hitting twenty birds with one stone.
I was scared. It wouldn't stop. It was weird. When I sat up, no tears came, but right when I laid down it was like a freaking river. Then I thought about calling someone, to help me till I fell asleep. I didn't know who to call. ): But also I didn't wanna be loud or else my brother would hear me. So there I was, hitting my pillow and trying not to make any noises, and thinking about how there would be no one to call if I had to. ):
But then! I woke up this morning, and I felt refreshed. I had let out everything from yesterday at night, and I only had puffy eyes as proof. So yeah the day waas eh. It was another roller coaster! Hahaha. But in PE I got SOO mad at the teachers. And me and Megan ended up losing two points cause we were too tired to run. So yeeah. Lame PE teachers (esp. Mr. Crissman!). But thennn after school, Me, Megan, and Jessica went to the mall and I got a top to wear to ALOHA! Which I am still UBER excited about. :D So yeeeah. Now I have to finish my homework. and Tomorrow I have to study like maaad for history test on friday.
So. Overall. This is a non-exciting & non-depressing post!! I'm getting better. (: I promise. I just need him to get better also. I love all you guys. (:
I was scared. It wouldn't stop. It was weird. When I sat up, no tears came, but right when I laid down it was like a freaking river. Then I thought about calling someone, to help me till I fell asleep. I didn't know who to call. ): But also I didn't wanna be loud or else my brother would hear me. So there I was, hitting my pillow and trying not to make any noises, and thinking about how there would be no one to call if I had to. ):
But then! I woke up this morning, and I felt refreshed. I had let out everything from yesterday at night, and I only had puffy eyes as proof. So yeah the day waas eh. It was another roller coaster! Hahaha. But in PE I got SOO mad at the teachers. And me and Megan ended up losing two points cause we were too tired to run. So yeeah. Lame PE teachers (esp. Mr. Crissman!). But thennn after school, Me, Megan, and Jessica went to the mall and I got a top to wear to ALOHA! Which I am still UBER excited about. :D So yeeeah. Now I have to finish my homework. and Tomorrow I have to study like maaad for history test on friday.
So. Overall. This is a non-exciting & non-depressing post!! I'm getting better. (: I promise. I just need him to get better also. I love all you guys. (:
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