The harder thing is almost always to take your mask off and expose yourself to the world, but the worst thing is to hide your beauty and love and your self from everyone else. You get to a certain point in your life when you stop trying to be someone you aren't, when you don't really care what others see, so you stop putting on your mask every morning. At that point is when you achieve true happiness, and you'll never be vulnerable, in the sense of always hiding everything that defines you, again.
At confirmation retreat, they said something like this. It's so amazingly true. I know I've said it about a bajillion times before, but I am so tired of always trying to be happy and excited. It's literally exhausting me. And it makes me have such a strained relationship with my mom and dad, because by the time I get home, I am so sick of it that I can't find one nice bit of myself to give to them. And it's hurting all of us.
I'm waiting for that point in my life when I accept myself for everything that I am, the good and the bad, and when I'm able to show that to everyone around me. I want true happiness, even with the included sadness and anger and every other emotion that is just part of the package. Before the retreat, I always considered myself more vulnerable whenever I was being myself, but then I realized I'm the most vulnerable when I have this fake mask on, because I'm always superaware of all the little things that could cause the wall around me to break. But when I'm being myself, I can just accept whatever comes my way.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not really "fake," in that exact sense, I just try a little bit harder to not break down. But mostly I am being me. So I think I'm almost there. To that point of least vulnerability within myself. And I do have many, many happy days. I'm just tired all the time, and so it makes me feel worse at times, especially with all this current stress. ): But I do have things to look forward to, even though all those things are what are causing me stress in the first place!
