the inexplicable need to write came again and didn't go away this time, so here I am. It's been more than a year since I've written a post for "the public," which is a questionable audience in and of itself, and I think I've just been... busy? I don't even know. Moving away from home, starting college, meeting new people, breaking up, losing close friends, growing up, gaining independence, learning hard lessons the hard way - these are all things that happened in this past year that have not really made for a conducive environment for writing, mainly because a starting point isn't clear, I don't know who knows what, and I'm scared I'll find myself all too different, or worse - not different at all, upon deeper self-reflection. But I'm ready to spend a few minutes thinking about where I am, why I'm here, and if I'm happy.

Happy. Satisfied. Content. I've been a lot happier than I am now. I don't know why, though. I've definitely had my share of curveballs in the past year, and I can say with certainty that my life has been worse, but I've been feeling pretty defeated nonetheless. I'm definitely the type to be happy for longer than normal, then to get hit by everything bad that ever happened at once, but I can't even express that normally, and it just comes across as moody and/or rude.

Somehow, I'm excited for the future but simultaneously desperate for everything to slow down. Excited for the future because maybe things will be normal again, because I get to go home. Excited because new semesters mean new starts, the possibility of being abroad, and new routines. Desperate for time to stop because I'm 19, and I'm completely drowned in obligations that I don't really want - I just want to have fun, be with my friends, and love. I need time to do that.

Going home. Home is at least three months overdue. I've never spent so long (more than 5 months) away from Cerritos, and I don't know how I feel about it. I'm doing well here, I'm not sick of it. But I get hit by super strong waves of homesickness. But what am I homesick for?? Aside from my friends that stick by me through everything, my dog, and my brothers/parents, there's really nothing there for me. And yeah, you could argue what I just listed are huge, but I've gone this long being far removed. Everything I own is here, and all that's at home are things I didn't want, things I didn't need, and people I need to detach from. But I know I need to leave this place. Things are getting too comfortable, people are getting too familiar, I'm scared I'm getting too attached. With me, it's always this delicate balance related to comfort, familiarity, attachment, emotions, happiness - and it's hard (though not necessary) to maintain.

Too attached. It literally took two months on my side. You literally tried since the day you met me, though. And you know the part that sucks? Once I even began to consider it, once I began to let myself think anything of it, you changed your mind. You put it all on me - I don't know how to have effective conversations, you don't tend to make plans so it's up to me, I overreact, I'm too attached - but, you know, if you just took five goddamn minutes to rethink how the events fell into place, how your actions led to everything, maybe you'd let up a little and realize that you could have handled it differently too. So, please prove me wrong in this experiment of mine. Please don't let our friendship fade. I've tried so hard, probably have lost mostly all of my dignity asking you to hang out, to watch this, to do that, just to be turned down time and time again. So I'm done. I don't care if you think I'm playing games, not being mature, or whatever shit you want to think. But I am done trying to decipher your mood, your words, and your emotions. I'm giving it space, giving it time. If it really does matter to you as much as you made it seem, well, the ball's on your court now, hun. All's fair in love and war, yeah?