bittersweet

bittersweet as fuck. i'm in one of my off periods again. super detached and just completely annoyed and frustrated by every little thing. having to make a decision in the midst of this is hell. but i made it.

and i'm happy.

and scared.
and sad.
and overwhelmed.

but I'm excited.

so much to look forward to, so many new places to see, new people to meet, new things to learn, new concepts to be challenged by. but so many things to say good bye to; old friends on different sides of the country, a dog that i've had since 4th grade, new friends i made just this year, brothers that have been my everything since i can remember. that's the scariest, i think. "i'll miss you around here" he broke my heart. dwelling on these sad things is making being happy more difficult, but i definitely am happy to have taken this risk and to get the chance to get to experience new, amazing things.

can we just pause time for eternity.

too much to decide in such a short amount of time.
too many things that will affect our futures, our families, our friends, our interests.
too many people we've met, spreading out everywhere. losing contact. meeting new people. never talking again.
too little time left to make the most of it with the people we love right now, right here. and we know right now is when they matter.

too many things to decide too quickly. i need time to stop. i need to figure out what i want. i need to not be scared.