"there's something about you that seems to paint on my mind, no matter what I do the colors never fade"

so pretty! i wish it was written for me! LOL.

and i bet you never would have thought i was capable of missing you this much. people like you have a big effect on the impressionable and innocent young. i bet if i were to meet you now for the first time... I'd still be affected in the same way. it's just how you are. even though I'm older and less naive, you are still you, you are still someone that can make their mark on anyone without even trying. and everyday, i hate you for that, but i love you for it at the same time. I think forgetting about you would be worse, by far, then having you at the back of my mind everyday.

and i bet you never would have thought that it was possible for me to want you in my life this badly.

family

I enjoyed myself tonight with my family... not just my parents and brothers but my cousins and aunts and nieces and nephews and everyone. usually, there's so much tension and fighting going on between family members that everyone is walking on eggshells, but tonight, it was actually fun. and it made me realize that i need them in my life, because they are the people who should love me no matter what, and they don't judge or hate or anything, and i kind of miss them. my godfather, my padrino is what i call him, made me so sad because he told me i never call him padrino anymore, and i miss the old days. i used to adore him, love him unconditionally, and always want to be with him. i don't not love him anymore, don't get me wrong, i really really do love him. but i feel like now that i am older i don't see him through innocent eyes anymore, and i have grown more distant to him because of language barriers and less time with him. when i was little, no matter how much time i spent apart from him, i could run to him and hug him and spend hours with him, but now if i spend time apart for him, it takes time to get comfortable around him. but i love him sososo much and i miss being little and open to everything. I want me and my family to be closer. but everyone is so headstrong and stubborn that people always fight. it makes me so sad because i am not even myself around them anymore. you know how i see it? it shouldnt fucking matter if you had a disagreement with your sister and therefore your kids can't talk to each other, it shouldn't fucking matter if you have differences. put them aside and get together more often than just the holidays. -__- just my random rant for today. i miss my family!

i think the best way to let things go and get over them is just that. to let them go. a complete separation of everything;; no contact, no thoughts, no dreams, no longing. basically, quitting them cold turkey. no texting, no stalking, no two minute conversations. straight up nothingness, and I'll let go and be over everything. sound good? and, on that thought, fuck self-pity and feeling sorry for myself. there is nothing to feel sorry for, so i'm just making stuff up in my head. everything is fine. i just need to let go. starting with this.

i am so fucking frustrated and fed up. With so many things. so i've been ranting so much lately. and i'm literally up and down in feelings, i'm never normal, i'm either really hyper and happy or super sad and frustrated. So catch me in a good mood when you can. i want things to get better and i don't want to be fed up anymore. so that means i have to make an effort to fix this for myself.

today. I got hit in the face really hard by someone's serve during varsity warmups. and then i got like reaction tears, you know the ones that you can't help just because something hurt so much and you cant really control it? so i was like "omfg" and i went to kaya so that it would stop so i could continue helping out; but the weird thing is, my tears wouldn't stop. and i was legitly crying not even just tearing. whatthefuck. i had to go to the bathroom to wash my face, but luckily i could blame it on the ball.

i feel so on edge these days. i guess part of it has to do with sleeping like 4 hours every day and not eating healthy and blah blah blah. but this really sucks. i'm getting so annoyed at people for the smallest things, and people are always telling me I either look tired, sick, or really mad. and in volleyball i'm especially sensitive. ugh. this sucks. ):

if only

and if you only knew how much i miss you, and how much i think about you every single fucking day that passes by. if only you knew how much i would love to spend time with you, how much you would mean to me. if only you knew how good we could be, if only you knew that even when i talk to other people, you're always in the back of my mind. If only you knew that even though you were a complete jerk, i can't make myself hate you or what you did, i just want to see you more to resolve it. if only you knew that if it had been any other guy, he would have been out of sight and out of mind the second he left. if only you fucking knew. how much i could really truly believe in us and how wonderful we would be.

Crash and Burn

I need to stop wanting things I can't fucking get and stop interfering with people who are happy. And I need to stop hoping things will work out sooner or later, because I'm just hurting myself by being the one waiting for things to change. I should also stop hurting others by trying to play things to my advantage, I should stop toying with their emotions. Why the hell do I feel like everything is wrong?! I get that people should feel that at times, but ALL the time is a bit much, because yeah, I've done some things I shouldn't have, but not everything was wrong. And some of it was me reaching out, wanting to help, wanting to comfort, and I manage to feel wrong about that too. Some of it is them; they say they want things they know you shouldn't be able to give them but somehow you manage to do so, and then you feel super shitty afterwards. You asked to redo that, I said it's not possible. You told me you don't know how to phrase your thoughts correctly, that you really meant to say this or that, and can I please forgive you. You told me we could be more. You told me you'd never try to push me away. You told me it's complicated. Everything is complicated. Everyone told me, It's gonna all be okay, just give it time and things will work out, you know what's right and what's wrong. Well. I'm waiting. I'm fucking waiting and I don't know how much longer I can handle it. I'm tired of it all. I'm just tired. And you can only be tired for so long before you crash and burn. And the only consolation at the end of it all, the only reason I'm willing to put up with everything, to lose my mind to the draining activities I take part in, to let you tear me down with your words, or give me false hope, is that even if I do crash, even if I do give up totally, even if I just want to shut the whole damn world out, I know that one person will be there to help me put myself back together. And I'm so grateful for that.

Over it

I need to fucking get over it. How many sleepless nights, ongoing conversations, and wishes did I waste on you. And how worth it did you turn out?

fucking. worthless. waste of time.

so there. I am over it. I think I was over it the moment i realized that there were better things for me. When you told me that we shouldn't hang out and you don't want anything and sorry if you ruined our friendship, I honestly did not even care. Even Megan was like "Marissa, are you SURE you are okay?" because she knows I hide like, everything, but I straight up told her it didn't bother me at all, and it was the truth.

I reread a lot of my posts/drafted posts today, and so many were about you, you have no idea. I don't know how to explain it, but I guess I kinda feel... empty? towards you. Like, I feel absolutely no emotions about you. I guess it's all due to the fact we haven't seen each other for such a long time. i know when I do see you, obviously I'll be happy, but I wouldn't have wanted anything. I know we don't go like that, and I thought you knew too.

anyways. I am over it, and anything that could have happened. who knows, maybe we'll have a chance in the future, but I doubt it. :/ I guess, if anything, thanks for being a learning experience?
AHHAHA that is what people say when they have no other good things to say about something.

but, in case anybody was wondering, I am truly over it. (: And it's a good thing.

i was looking onn ratemyteachers.com todaay because i was very bored and looking at the comments and stuff under my momma. and like. i was offended by what people said about her LOL. because I'm used to people saying it to my face, but i've never thought about what they would say on the interent, making it public. like this one person from like a few years ago said "i agree with the other guy. CHS didn't want her no more for a reason all those kids that i know are laughin at us that we're stuck with her now." and i was like "are you fucking kidding me?" because that is the most stupid thing I have ever heard. and likee I get that she's boring and can be very picky about how you do everything, but she is a reallyyy good teacher and people that posted negative comments were just like "you need to work for an A" well no shit you need to work for an A that's the only way that it means something -__- AND YEAH. random rant. but this annoyed me very much. because I feel like a lot of times, people say bad stuff about the people that are close to me to my face and expect me not to care but I do care, i'm just too weird about it to stand up for that person. but yeaah. this frustrated me LOL. and yeaaah. no one used blogspot anymore huh?! i cant get used to tumblr thoughh. ):

I'm scared for the future. Like no joke. I am super scared. And I think that's one of the reasons why right at this moment, I'm not trying as hard. Because I feel like if I slow down then the rest of the world will slow down too. But that's not how it works. And this is the worse thing I've done in a while because it's affecting everything since now I have to catch up.

I'm scared to plan out my schedule for next year. I've only looked at the course catalog once then I just closed it. I feel like no matter what i choose to do, there are so many negative aspects to it. I really wish i KNEW what i wanna do with my life, then it would all be easier. But I don't. So does that mean take every hard class because I don't know what to specialize in, or take all the easy classes because that will guarantee me a spot in a good enough college if i have straight A's? and what happens if i don't have a 4.0 this year? there's a huge chance I won't have one this semester. and that's basically what my high school career is riding onn. because of course, i do IC and participate in activities and do a tinyy bit of volunteering, and i'm looking into tutoring, BUT that's no different than every other whitney kid. and yeah, i am in all the hard classes so it's reasonable that i would get one B but colleges don't care about the difficulty of your classes. plus all the little things I participate in, like musical/fall play, talent show, id, etc. don't count as anything. and honestly, being a valedictorian really was one of my goals. becuase it's what i always thought i was capable of doing if i tried hard enough. (not to sound conceited or anything, it's only if i tried hard enough) but idk what happend at the beginning of 3rd quarter, all my grades just went down. ): and the thing is. it's expected of me. my brothers were far from straight A students but they are amazing at everything. one wanted to be president since he was five and had ASB experience plus amazing internships plus determination plus a 5 on every single AP he took, and the other is an amazing actor who has participated in every single play he could since he was in elementary school, he's an awesome soccer player, is so driven and has so much discipline, and also ASB and they were both set. They both got into wonderful colleges and both have their futures ready. and there's little marissa, with what used to be perfect grades but not much else. I think what's really getting to me about this 4.0 thing is that adrian really believed i would have one. and when i heard him say this was in his college essay, so if he was off telling college administrators i was oh so smart and a good student and i was what he was living up to because of my grades, he really must of believed i would do it. and it's making me sad that i might not be able to, and that woulda proven something he believed in. So now I really don't know what to do. Because i can't seem to think of a schedule that is only a bit challenging, because either it's all challenging or super easy. and part of me thinks that taking all easy classes and getting A's really looks stupid on a transcript especially after my freshmen/sophomore classes, cause it looks like i just got lazy. and i think that's true. i need to get out of this laziness and try a lot harder. i want to figure out what i want to do in life, find a dream college, then work so hard towards it. so, ready, set, go figure out my future.

it's kinda fucking depressing what thinking of the future does to people. I need direction.

You know, I keep wanting to write something. And make it happy. And make it cool. And make everyone believe how happy I am. But I can't. And I have really no clue why everything I start writing turns out so BLEH. And why everytime I start writing I get so overwhelmed. Writing on paper, on the computer, on blogger, on anything. And when I'm sitting on the couch or in my room or something, there's all this shit going through my head. And I keep thinking "I'll just blog about it or talk to _____ about it or do something about it," but I don't do any of those things. Because once I sit down to do one of them, nothing comes out. And I haven't been talking to anyone lately. And I've been having a lot of those, "Yeah, I'm completely positive I'm not sad and that I'm okay." And you know, I've never had that feeling of wanting to cry for no reason before, but not I do. And now is when there is nothing coming out. I feel like the outside of me is numb, but the inside of me is going freaking insane. And there's all these emotions bouncing back and forth, fighting for a way out. And I don't know how to interact with anyone anymore except a couple of really amazingly good friends who don't deserve to be treated like crap by anyone else because they are trying to help me out a little. And they don't deserve to be treated like crap by me. I can't hold a conversation longer than a few minutes with anyone else lately. And all I'm hearing at home is that I better stay on top of school work and I have to focus on Sadies and talent show and confirmation and if I have to do that and school I'm not gonna be able to handle it. And I really miss my brothers right now. I hate coming home to such an empty house. I hate not having them here to drive me places and talk to me and help me out. And I want a better relationship with my mom and dad. Because I don't want what happened to Adrian to happen to me. I hate hearing how other people "know" what's going on with me. Because, no, you don't. You don't know shit. AND AGHH I don't like complaining. I honestly don't. But for some reason, I feel so amazingly overwhelmed/confused/unhappy/gross right now. And hopefully, this is all just PMSing. And I'll be fine by Saturday or Sunday or Monday. All I know is that I have so much to do, and I'm really scared to break down anytime soon. And I'm thinking about drafting this. But at the same time, I don't think I will, because I think this is a kinda sorta explanation for anybody, if anyone still reads this, for why I've been so up and down lately. And why sometimes I'm so extremely happy and sometimes I'm not. I think being moody makes people tired. And I realized I used the word "and" to start so many sentences in this post. But yeah.

On a sidenote. Megan just found out what PDS is this week. And it's really funny cause she seems so weirded out by it. And I really, really want something good to happen for her soon, because she's been through so much lately, also.

p.s. I kind of really admire people who can be happy for other people even when those people hurt them in the past. And I really wish I was a better person.


So little to say,
but so much time.
Despite my empty mouth,
the words are in my mind.
Please wear the face,
the one where you smile,
because you lighten up my heart,
when I start to cry.

Forgive me, first love,
but I'm tired.
I need to get away,
to feel again.
Try to understand why.

The harder thing is almost always to take your mask off and expose yourself to the world, but the worst thing is to hide your beauty and love and your self from everyone else. You get to a certain point in your life when you stop trying to be someone you aren't, when you don't really care what others see, so you stop putting on your mask every morning. At that point is when you achieve true happiness, and you'll never be vulnerable, in the sense of always hiding everything that defines you, again.

At confirmation retreat, they said something like this. It's so amazingly true. I know I've said it about a bajillion times before, but I am so tired of always trying to be happy and excited. It's literally exhausting me. And it makes me have such a strained relationship with my mom and dad, because by the time I get home, I am so sick of it that I can't find one nice bit of myself to give to them. And it's hurting all of us.

I'm waiting for that point in my life when I accept myself for everything that I am, the good and the bad, and when I'm able to show that to everyone around me. I want true happiness, even with the included sadness and anger and every other emotion that is just part of the package. Before the retreat, I always considered myself more vulnerable whenever I was being myself, but then I realized I'm the most vulnerable when I have this fake mask on, because I'm always superaware of all the little things that could cause the wall around me to break. But when I'm being myself, I can just accept whatever comes my way.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not really "fake," in that exact sense, I just try a little bit harder to not break down. But mostly I am being me. So I think I'm almost there. To that point of least vulnerability within myself. And I do have many, many happy days. I'm just tired all the time, and so it makes me feel worse at times, especially with all this current stress. ): But I do have things to look forward to, even though all those things are what are causing me stress in the first place!

Ask me anything, yeah? (: