On Lost Love

Let's backtrack to that night at his house. You definitely got too drunk, I had had a bit to drink as well, and every fiber in my body was telling me that we were who we were one year ago - in love, entangled, and forever. I was hyperaware, knowing every move you made. I decided to go upstairs to the room you all were in and sat down next to you. I said something that made you laugh, you put your hand on my thigh, and there was nothing I wanted more in that moment than to be yours, in every way I was yours a year ago.

Twenty minutes later, you're outside having a heart-to-heart with Eric, saying things have been so hard, saying you've tried but it's not getting better. You are mine and I am yours, no matter what we tell anyone else or what we tell ourselves, and I could not stop myself from approaching you, hugging you, and asking you to please, please tell me what was wrong. "Tomorrow. I promise."

Tomorrow. You came to my house with some friends, things were back to normal. We said hi, we spoke, but the connection wasn't there. But when you were leaving, I asked you to stay, to explain.

"I miss you. And there's nothing you need to do about it. I just need you to know. If circumstances were different, if we weren't so far apart... I just miss you."

That was the hardest thing to hear. When I'm here, I can distance myself, I can go weeks without thinking of you, I can hang out with other boys and feel happy with them, I can think about the possibility of my future with someone else. But being home is hard. Everywhere I go, there's a memory of you and I lingering - the school parking lot where we sat in my car for two hours talking about absolutely nothing before we knew we were good together, the hill where we had our first kiss, the parks where we spent our afternoons on pseudo-picnics, the route from my house to yours that I could drive with my eyes closed from all the times I had to drive there.

I miss you, too. So incredibly, unbearably so. And I'm so sorry. It was honestly too much for me, it was so insanely emotionally draining, and I hated myself for treating you so poorly. I hated how much you could still care for me even when I was treating you like shit - your final offer: I'm willing to keep trying if you want to. I gave you none of my time, none of the love you deserved, and you were still willing to try.

"...I just miss you." How I refrained myself from grabbing hold of you, I will never know. A soul-bearing response came from my end: "I miss you, too. But you know we can't work out. I need you to know that I do miss you, and you're not alone in feeling that, but we're both too logical to do anything about this right now. If things were different... I'm so sorry for being a shitty person, you didn't deserve it. If things were different, maybe in the future... You're amazing, and there's no way I could not miss you. But you're strong, and I think you can live your life wonderfully, even without me in it."

"Thank you. It means so much to me to hear that you miss me."

Hugs. Tears. An unfinished conversation, an unbearable heaviness between us, and unspoken promises that we belong to each other, that we are one, that we will grow separately and then maybe together again at some point. Then goodbye, and you drove home.

I miss you. And that's all I could say to you, over and over again, but somehow it captured every emotion and every thought I wanted to convey. You are amazing, you deserve the absolute best, and I wish you the world right now - please be okay, please don't let me interfere with anything in your life. But please, please, let the little things remind you of me - if someone asks you to stay awake with them, don't forget that's how we became friends, if you have nothing to do and you go hang out at a park, remember that was ours, and if you have late night drives, remember all that we learned about each other from those nights.

the inexplicable need to write came again and didn't go away this time, so here I am. It's been more than a year since I've written a post for "the public," which is a questionable audience in and of itself, and I think I've just been... busy? I don't even know. Moving away from home, starting college, meeting new people, breaking up, losing close friends, growing up, gaining independence, learning hard lessons the hard way - these are all things that happened in this past year that have not really made for a conducive environment for writing, mainly because a starting point isn't clear, I don't know who knows what, and I'm scared I'll find myself all too different, or worse - not different at all, upon deeper self-reflection. But I'm ready to spend a few minutes thinking about where I am, why I'm here, and if I'm happy.

Happy. Satisfied. Content. I've been a lot happier than I am now. I don't know why, though. I've definitely had my share of curveballs in the past year, and I can say with certainty that my life has been worse, but I've been feeling pretty defeated nonetheless. I'm definitely the type to be happy for longer than normal, then to get hit by everything bad that ever happened at once, but I can't even express that normally, and it just comes across as moody and/or rude.

Somehow, I'm excited for the future but simultaneously desperate for everything to slow down. Excited for the future because maybe things will be normal again, because I get to go home. Excited because new semesters mean new starts, the possibility of being abroad, and new routines. Desperate for time to stop because I'm 19, and I'm completely drowned in obligations that I don't really want - I just want to have fun, be with my friends, and love. I need time to do that.

Going home. Home is at least three months overdue. I've never spent so long (more than 5 months) away from Cerritos, and I don't know how I feel about it. I'm doing well here, I'm not sick of it. But I get hit by super strong waves of homesickness. But what am I homesick for?? Aside from my friends that stick by me through everything, my dog, and my brothers/parents, there's really nothing there for me. And yeah, you could argue what I just listed are huge, but I've gone this long being far removed. Everything I own is here, and all that's at home are things I didn't want, things I didn't need, and people I need to detach from. But I know I need to leave this place. Things are getting too comfortable, people are getting too familiar, I'm scared I'm getting too attached. With me, it's always this delicate balance related to comfort, familiarity, attachment, emotions, happiness - and it's hard (though not necessary) to maintain.

Too attached. It literally took two months on my side. You literally tried since the day you met me, though. And you know the part that sucks? Once I even began to consider it, once I began to let myself think anything of it, you changed your mind. You put it all on me - I don't know how to have effective conversations, you don't tend to make plans so it's up to me, I overreact, I'm too attached - but, you know, if you just took five goddamn minutes to rethink how the events fell into place, how your actions led to everything, maybe you'd let up a little and realize that you could have handled it differently too. So, please prove me wrong in this experiment of mine. Please don't let our friendship fade. I've tried so hard, probably have lost mostly all of my dignity asking you to hang out, to watch this, to do that, just to be turned down time and time again. So I'm done. I don't care if you think I'm playing games, not being mature, or whatever shit you want to think. But I am done trying to decipher your mood, your words, and your emotions. I'm giving it space, giving it time. If it really does matter to you as much as you made it seem, well, the ball's on your court now, hun. All's fair in love and war, yeah?

Everything reminds me of you and that's killing me.

One year ago..

Because one year ago today, I was on my way home from the airport, from Argentina. I was leaving behind one of the most unique towns, some of the most amazing people I'd ever met, and some of the best experiences I'd ever have, only to be met with the most cold welcomes and a few friendships about to break. Because one year ago today, one of my best friends broke my heart, a guy had broken my trust and had yet to tell me, and my family had nothing to talk to me about.
Because one year ago today, all I wanted more than anything in the world was to turn my car around and get on to the next flight to Argentina, and spend the rest of my summer there.
Because one year ago today, I was a completely different person than I had been two weeks before, and I wasn't ready to show anyone that I had changed.

Because today, despite all the troubles I had one year ago and still have even to this day, I am happy to be here in my cozy little city for the next month and a half, and I am excited to be moving on to the next chapter of my life at Amherst, with new people and new beginnings. Even though I'm scared and nervous, and sometimes doubt my decision to go so far, and sometimes I wonder how some of my relationships have gotten to the point that they're at right now, I can say without a doubt that I am happy with the majority of the things that happened this past year, and everything has shaped me into the person I am now. Leaving is scary, but it's the best choice for me, and I'll deal with the relationships when the time comes.
Because today, I can say that through the tears I've shed this year, I've had one million times more laughs and smiles to make up for the sad times.
Because today, I am excited for people to see that I've changed through all the experiences I've had.
Because today, I'm thankful for the loves of my life, because they were there for me every minute that they could be, from the ones that have been there since Kindergarten to the ones that I only recently became comfortable with.
Because today, even though I haven't been happy 24/7 for the last year, I know that I'm capable of being ecstatic about things, and I love that.

bittersweet

bittersweet as fuck. i'm in one of my off periods again. super detached and just completely annoyed and frustrated by every little thing. having to make a decision in the midst of this is hell. but i made it.

and i'm happy.

and scared.
and sad.
and overwhelmed.

but I'm excited.

so much to look forward to, so many new places to see, new people to meet, new things to learn, new concepts to be challenged by. but so many things to say good bye to; old friends on different sides of the country, a dog that i've had since 4th grade, new friends i made just this year, brothers that have been my everything since i can remember. that's the scariest, i think. "i'll miss you around here" he broke my heart. dwelling on these sad things is making being happy more difficult, but i definitely am happy to have taken this risk and to get the chance to get to experience new, amazing things.

can we just pause time for eternity.

too much to decide in such a short amount of time.
too many things that will affect our futures, our families, our friends, our interests.
too many people we've met, spreading out everywhere. losing contact. meeting new people. never talking again.
too little time left to make the most of it with the people we love right now, right here. and we know right now is when they matter.

too many things to decide too quickly. i need time to stop. i need to figure out what i want. i need to not be scared.

when you feel like you're the only bad thing that happened during someone's day.