I'm scared for the future. Like no joke. I am super scared. And I think that's one of the reasons why right at this moment, I'm not trying as hard. Because I feel like if I slow down then the rest of the world will slow down too. But that's not how it works. And this is the worse thing I've done in a while because it's affecting everything since now I have to catch up.

I'm scared to plan out my schedule for next year. I've only looked at the course catalog once then I just closed it. I feel like no matter what i choose to do, there are so many negative aspects to it. I really wish i KNEW what i wanna do with my life, then it would all be easier. But I don't. So does that mean take every hard class because I don't know what to specialize in, or take all the easy classes because that will guarantee me a spot in a good enough college if i have straight A's? and what happens if i don't have a 4.0 this year? there's a huge chance I won't have one this semester. and that's basically what my high school career is riding onn. because of course, i do IC and participate in activities and do a tinyy bit of volunteering, and i'm looking into tutoring, BUT that's no different than every other whitney kid. and yeah, i am in all the hard classes so it's reasonable that i would get one B but colleges don't care about the difficulty of your classes. plus all the little things I participate in, like musical/fall play, talent show, id, etc. don't count as anything. and honestly, being a valedictorian really was one of my goals. becuase it's what i always thought i was capable of doing if i tried hard enough. (not to sound conceited or anything, it's only if i tried hard enough) but idk what happend at the beginning of 3rd quarter, all my grades just went down. ): and the thing is. it's expected of me. my brothers were far from straight A students but they are amazing at everything. one wanted to be president since he was five and had ASB experience plus amazing internships plus determination plus a 5 on every single AP he took, and the other is an amazing actor who has participated in every single play he could since he was in elementary school, he's an awesome soccer player, is so driven and has so much discipline, and also ASB and they were both set. They both got into wonderful colleges and both have their futures ready. and there's little marissa, with what used to be perfect grades but not much else. I think what's really getting to me about this 4.0 thing is that adrian really believed i would have one. and when i heard him say this was in his college essay, so if he was off telling college administrators i was oh so smart and a good student and i was what he was living up to because of my grades, he really must of believed i would do it. and it's making me sad that i might not be able to, and that woulda proven something he believed in. So now I really don't know what to do. Because i can't seem to think of a schedule that is only a bit challenging, because either it's all challenging or super easy. and part of me thinks that taking all easy classes and getting A's really looks stupid on a transcript especially after my freshmen/sophomore classes, cause it looks like i just got lazy. and i think that's true. i need to get out of this laziness and try a lot harder. i want to figure out what i want to do in life, find a dream college, then work so hard towards it. so, ready, set, go figure out my future.

it's kinda fucking depressing what thinking of the future does to people. I need direction.