smile like you mean it.

So, already, I have a feeling this will be a veryyy random post. (: so first off, i just killed an ant. and i feel sorta bad. because first i accidentally squished one of its legs, and it kept going. It just kept going, trying to get away from me. and it made me wonder. How much do ants really find their lives worth living? Seriously, no one cares about them. Yet, ants work hard to have a place to live and they all work together. And they seem to get along much better than real humans. I mean, ants will go back to pick up a dead ant's body even while they're in danger of being killed. How many people can you find that will willingly do that? and like, what if there was some greater thing that just decided randomly to squish our legs or are heads or just kill us in general. and they thought we didn't care? what if this greater thing didn't even care that they were hurting us? then, you know what? they'd be just like us. Because we kill ants and bugs and even dogs and cats and pandas and stuff all the time, even if we're not trying. but i still can't give up meat, sorry. x)

and you know. my doggy ran outside like ten minutes ago. and my parents didn't do a single thing about it. they just sat on the freaking bench in front of our house. -_- i know my dog would just run away if i tried to go get him, so i had to call adrian down to help me get him. and like, every single freaking time he runs outside, i tear up. because i don't want him to run away or get run over or get stolen or die for something as stupid as my parents leaving the front door open. and they freaking always threaten to give him away if i don't do something to their liking. Like seriously, take anything else away, just not my dog. my living, breathing, loving dog. that's like telling a parent you're going to take their child away if they don't keep the kid clean. -_- stupid huh? and i know it's not really to that degree, since frosty's a dog. but i've had him five years almost. i can't just give him away like it's no big deal. and it kills me because i KNOWW my parents like frosty, a lot! and so do adrian and danny. but when it comes to finding some way to get me to do stuff, they always do this. they're threatening to give away something they love just to make me their perfect child who's obedient. (and i know it seems i'm being melodramatic, and i'm sorry.)

also. i've realized that i sorta do post a lotta like. not happy stuff. and stuff that doesn't sound like me. But i think it's because this is my outlet. i can be myself in a way that i can't be around people i know. and i know only a few people will read it, and it's much faster than writing in a journal. and my journal does have its fair share of not so happy topics. x) and like, this is comforting to me. something about being able to tell the world everything, yet have so few people actually know, it's sorta a cool feeling. and it really helps me out. this blog, and my journal, and once in a while ranting on the phone to a few trusted friends for a few hours really does help keep me sane. (:

and recently, i also noticed i'm much more readable than i thought. at least to some people. there are these people, two in particular (not the two you would think), and one just recently, that always notice when i'm sort of down or sad or in a very deep-thinking mood. and they ask me. they actually ask me! what's wrong with me and if i wanna talk about anything. and they don't give up on me that easily. sure, they still let me go without me actually saying anything important, but at least they try. (: and it's reassuring. and also, this other person, i've opened up to a lot. and i haven't talked to that person in a while, but she's one of the few people who was actually able to make me like tear up and tell about all this stuff. and that was really nice too. (: ahah by the end of this summer, i'll have ranted myself out and told everyone enough about my life that i'll be so opened up to people by the time school starts. ahaha. so sorry if i randomly go up to you and tell you that the day before my life sucked. x) it's possible.

seee. this is a relatively happy post, right? BREAKING DAWN freaking comes out tomorroww! i'm going to the border's pre-release party, and gonna get the book from sam's club probably. then kelsea's gonna sleep over since it ends late, and i bet we're just gonna read the whole time. we're not gonna talk or anything. ahah. and reading is another outlet for me too. (: i wish i could have a cool outlet like drawing or something though. but nope. i can't draw if my life depended on it. x) ahah. but yeaah. reading is amazing to me. so if you are ever in need of a gift for me, give me a Borders gift card. (:

ohhh next time. i needa tell about my off-and-on quince and alsoo palm spring(s) vacation(s). (: just a reminder to myself. seee. this wasn't such a deep post, huh?

Heh. Weird mood again.

So what happens when someone in your life feels like they just screwed themselves over? What happens when you want to say it's not true, but know you'll be lying, and when they can't even bring themselves to care anymore? What happens when you've never done anything but look up to that person, and they've tried so hard to do things right, so that you don't end up screwed up also? Then, after them realizing they've done all this crappy stuff, they still try so hard to keep you happy and keep you part of their life. It's just weird. When they tell you there's nothing more they can do in their lives to disappoint anyone, that they're already as low as they can get. What happens then??

It's a curious thing, this unit of people we call our family. Our immediate family. They're the ones you hate and scream at and despise and fight and envy and compete with all your life. Yet you can still bring yourselves to love them. But there are just certain things. They happen, and you can't even bring yourself to tell your family members. Then, if you can't tell them, who can you tell? And what if it's something that happens within your family? Who can you tell then? No one wants to make it seem like their family is insane or let anyone else know what their families' problems are. No one does, right? But really, no one does have a perfect family. So at the same time, if you do find some person that will listen to you and who can relate to you, you don't want to over-exaggerate things and make it seem like everything is horrible and you can't go on living with these people, because truthfully, you can.

No one, especially me, wants to make it seem like they fight so hard every day to keep that smile on their face, that answer of, "Yeah, OF COURSE everything's fine!" ready to tell anyone who cares enough to ask. No one wants to tell people the stupid things that happen that make you sit in your room wondering who you care enough about more, wondering who you're willing to defend. And then you end up not defending anyone. No one wants to tell people they fight within themselves to decide whether to actually listen to the screaming or to totally block it all out.

And I want so badly to be able to truthfully answer someone for once. When they ask me. And they know for a fact as if it were in a history book, that I am not okay, that something's going on with me. I want to tell them everything that's ever happened in my life that made me how I am right now. Starting from that one thing. I want them not to give up on me, not to walk away knowing that I'm lying and that I'm not okay. I want to be able to tell someone, without the fear of everyone finding out, or being laughed at, or being told that nothing's really wrong, that it's all normal. But I can't.

Mostly, I want to be able to cry about anything and everything. Not hold it in, even in front of my own parents and brothers. I don't want to this one person in my life to hurt themselves trying to protect me from the real world, where people do fight and get mad and cry and yell. But usually, it seems easier just not to talk to any of them. So I guess that's what I'm doing.

But, again, don't go thinking my life totally got ruined today, or anyone else's for that matter. I just find that I think about this stuff a lot, and it's much easier to let it out on here or in a journal then to a person and much MUCH easier than keeping it to myself. My family isn't totally and utterly damaged, but it isn't perfect either. I just want to get that out there. And this is MY truth. I'll tell people otherwise, and then I'll confuse myself about everything, and my family and my friends will say differently about my life. But this is all me. And I'm not turning depressed, I just need to get this out sometime, so why not now? But next time you see me, don't worry. I'll probably be smiling, or at least not as sad as you would think I am for writing this. Like, right now, I could call a friend and be happy, because I'm not down right now. I think I'm just PMS-ing. x) Just thought I'd clarify that, because I don't want everyone thinking I'm going crazy. Mkay?? (:

Clueless.?

Well, the past two weeks have been fun. (: Me and Megan spent like all the time together. We had summer school, and Dana would be with us, then after we'd stay at school till 12:45 and we'd learn from Mr. Tseng or just talk or play cards or something. Then my brother would take us to Cerritos College for volleyball camp. Which was bad. -_- but whatever. We met fun people and had some random really fun days playing there. And it gave me a reason to see at least Megan.

Yesterday, I was with her like the wholeee day. x) haha. We went to town center after volleyball and we ate fries and bought movie tickets. Charleen, Stephanie, me, and Megan were seeing Dark Knight at 4:10. But Charleen & Steph didn't get there till 4:20 because they had basketball practice, and had to run to town center. Haha. But it was really fun. Me and Megan laughed about so many random things. Like, at Great Steak or whatever it's called, I wanted to put the ketchup in the little cup thingie, and she was holding it, and i pushed the handle thing, and it all spurted out all over her hand. haha. the guy behind the counter thought we were crazy. And I thought i saw Hanna woo, so i ran out of the restaurant, but i pulled instead of pushed the door, so i started laughing and when i got outside i fell down because i was laughing so hard. Hahah. And also, our mommy and me date! When me and her were getting out of the car, Mrs. Machado was like, "Megan, you and me are gonna see Mamma Mia together!" So i was like "Ooh! We can have a MOMMY-AND-ME date!!" and Megan started laughing so hard. And throughout the day she kept thinking about it, but I didn't even think it was that funny.

but yeah. After the movie, Megan, Charleen, and Stephanie and me were talking and stuff. And when stephanie left, we got food and kept talking about random things. We had very moody conversations, like we'd talk about something super serious, then all of a sudden bring up like an inside joke. haha. But yeah. It made me realize certain things, and wonder about the friendship(s) I have made, and how I could or should do something to make them better. but I just don't know how. And these people are changing. At least some of them are. And I know other people notice these things I'm talking about. But I don't wanna go and tell everyone what I'm thinking about, because then that just makes it all public and stuff. But, either way, I'm still happy right now. (: so don't worry about anything. (:

So. Sean's back. Just till....Saturday? But I wanna see him. And I know I can't on Friday or Saturday. And I might on Monday, but it might be only for a couple hours, because I have soccer practice at 3:30 and IC (possibly) meeting at 3. And I already ditched soccer yesterday, so i don't know which one i'll go to. Or if I'll just stay with Akshay and them. But yeah. People think it's weird that I do wanna see him and talk to him. But the last two times I had chances to, I just said hi, because it was super awkward. Because of the, ahem, situations. x| But I do. I thought about it for so long last night, since he came back today. I stayed up so late, wondering how I felt last year, how I feel now, and things like that. So I know with no doubt that I do want to see him. Hopefully I will more than once. Because who knows when he'll be back again.

And tomorrow, Adrian's having a barbeque for his dragonboating team, and there'll be like 20 people. Meaning, it's either gonna be REALLY fun or REALLY boring for me. So he said I can invite a couple of my own friends. So hopefully they can come. Or else I'll just get to know the older kids. Or just be on my computer the whole time.

But yeahh. A sorta random post. x) I'm gonna go and finish summer school homework, play Sims 2 for a little bit, then go to the mall with my mommy to meet Megan and her mom there, to watch Mamma Mia together. (: I'm not eating popcorn this time! x) Byee!

Alex from Phantom Planet & Ryan from OneRepublic = perfect lovers x)

So yeap, the concert was amazingly awesome! And the OC Fair was really fun with Jessica and Dana too. Although we had like three hours of boredom, the rest was fun. Like all the rides. Except for after we went on this one ride, Dana and me got super dizzy, and I got better but she was sick for like thirty minutes. ahha. She kept going like, "Are we gonna eat yet? I think it'll make me feel better. Come on, let's eat. Okay! I'm hungry!" ahaha. and so we finally ate burgers. Later on, we ate ice cream alsoo.

Jessica spent all her money on tickets so she couldn't buy a shirt or anything. But me and Dana both bought shirts. MINE'S CUTER. Don't tell her. x) I spent freaking $80 and she spent $70 and Jessica spent $60. haha.

Jessica made us BEAUTIFUL shirts. SEEE ---->
ahahha wonderful huh? They took her likee, almost two hours. And she didn't eat her pancakes because she was too busy making these.

Yeah. Us three made chocolate batter pancakes in the morning. At like, 8:45. Supposed to be 8:00 a.m. but Jessica woke up too late and was Dana's ride. ahaha. At least I got to sleep in! (:

Oh dang. I just realized I spent like, $100! Because I bought this spray-paint picture made by this guy who has the same name as my daddy. He's freaking amazing! So us three and Adrian and Natalie (she went to the concert too) felt bad for him, and they were nice, so me & Adrian bought pictures. Come over. I'll show you it. (:

Man. It was a fun day, for sure. (: The music was good, and us three had some major bonding time. Seriously. On our way home, Dana and me fell asleep with our heads on Jessica, and I think she fell asleep too. MAJOR bonding. ;) Haha. We also had a lot of talking, about [previous] boys, [future] boys, what we'll be like as seniors, who's gonna be the ultimate saint, and who's not. About some older people and what they've done with their lives. But yeah. It was for sure fun. (:

So, I'm thinking you're bored and just skipped to this paragraph. Because, honestly, who wants to read me talk about my days? But yeaah. This is a crazy, random, and sorta long post. So I'll leave you be. (: Btw, I'm supposed to be installing a TiVo in my parents' room, but I have no idea how. x) ADIOS!

Please excuse my mood. x)

It's been a long time, huh? I suppose I could explain everything that's happened since Social. But, honestly, I wouldn't want to. Too much stuff has happened since then. Basically, it's a matter of whether you're involved in my life or not. If you are, and that is, involved enough, then you'd know what's happened. And, don't worry yourself. It's not like super bad things have happened. Just things that I'd rather not go into detail to with the whole freaking world. Some amazing things have happened, and some not so amazing. Some things have happened that I still have no idea how I feel about them. There are some things that made me wonder how much I really, truly knew about a person. But, as most people would say, these are all experiences of life. And, I guess, everyone is bound to go through them, and so in a way, I'm happy that I've already gone through them. Of course, don't go and think I'm some super depressed person now, or that I'm some super crazy happy person, or a totally changed person, or someone who thinks she's been through everything. Because I'm not anybody like that. Truthfully, I don't know who I am yet. And I don't know how I feel about how I've handled my life these past two years. But I know I'm looking forward to next year, and that I'm going to try my hardest not to regret anything I've done in these two years, or anything that I will do. I don't know. This might make you wonder what the heck I'm talking about, might make you more confused as to how you think I am, it is probably gonna make me confused too. This might have revealed nothing at all to you, and it might have given you the world through my eyes. I really don't know what it did. But it was my chance to tell somebody everything, yet tell them nothing at all. And, just for your information, I'm not usually this weird or mysterious or whatever you want to call it, I'm just sorta in that mood today. But, sometime soon, I'll tell you about the OneRepublic concert I went to yesterday. :]