smile like you mean it.

So, already, I have a feeling this will be a veryyy random post. (: so first off, i just killed an ant. and i feel sorta bad. because first i accidentally squished one of its legs, and it kept going. It just kept going, trying to get away from me. and it made me wonder. How much do ants really find their lives worth living? Seriously, no one cares about them. Yet, ants work hard to have a place to live and they all work together. And they seem to get along much better than real humans. I mean, ants will go back to pick up a dead ant's body even while they're in danger of being killed. How many people can you find that will willingly do that? and like, what if there was some greater thing that just decided randomly to squish our legs or are heads or just kill us in general. and they thought we didn't care? what if this greater thing didn't even care that they were hurting us? then, you know what? they'd be just like us. Because we kill ants and bugs and even dogs and cats and pandas and stuff all the time, even if we're not trying. but i still can't give up meat, sorry. x)

and you know. my doggy ran outside like ten minutes ago. and my parents didn't do a single thing about it. they just sat on the freaking bench in front of our house. -_- i know my dog would just run away if i tried to go get him, so i had to call adrian down to help me get him. and like, every single freaking time he runs outside, i tear up. because i don't want him to run away or get run over or get stolen or die for something as stupid as my parents leaving the front door open. and they freaking always threaten to give him away if i don't do something to their liking. Like seriously, take anything else away, just not my dog. my living, breathing, loving dog. that's like telling a parent you're going to take their child away if they don't keep the kid clean. -_- stupid huh? and i know it's not really to that degree, since frosty's a dog. but i've had him five years almost. i can't just give him away like it's no big deal. and it kills me because i KNOWW my parents like frosty, a lot! and so do adrian and danny. but when it comes to finding some way to get me to do stuff, they always do this. they're threatening to give away something they love just to make me their perfect child who's obedient. (and i know it seems i'm being melodramatic, and i'm sorry.)

also. i've realized that i sorta do post a lotta like. not happy stuff. and stuff that doesn't sound like me. But i think it's because this is my outlet. i can be myself in a way that i can't be around people i know. and i know only a few people will read it, and it's much faster than writing in a journal. and my journal does have its fair share of not so happy topics. x) and like, this is comforting to me. something about being able to tell the world everything, yet have so few people actually know, it's sorta a cool feeling. and it really helps me out. this blog, and my journal, and once in a while ranting on the phone to a few trusted friends for a few hours really does help keep me sane. (:

and recently, i also noticed i'm much more readable than i thought. at least to some people. there are these people, two in particular (not the two you would think), and one just recently, that always notice when i'm sort of down or sad or in a very deep-thinking mood. and they ask me. they actually ask me! what's wrong with me and if i wanna talk about anything. and they don't give up on me that easily. sure, they still let me go without me actually saying anything important, but at least they try. (: and it's reassuring. and also, this other person, i've opened up to a lot. and i haven't talked to that person in a while, but she's one of the few people who was actually able to make me like tear up and tell about all this stuff. and that was really nice too. (: ahah by the end of this summer, i'll have ranted myself out and told everyone enough about my life that i'll be so opened up to people by the time school starts. ahaha. so sorry if i randomly go up to you and tell you that the day before my life sucked. x) it's possible.

seee. this is a relatively happy post, right? BREAKING DAWN freaking comes out tomorroww! i'm going to the border's pre-release party, and gonna get the book from sam's club probably. then kelsea's gonna sleep over since it ends late, and i bet we're just gonna read the whole time. we're not gonna talk or anything. ahah. and reading is another outlet for me too. (: i wish i could have a cool outlet like drawing or something though. but nope. i can't draw if my life depended on it. x) ahah. but yeaah. reading is amazing to me. so if you are ever in need of a gift for me, give me a Borders gift card. (:

ohhh next time. i needa tell about my off-and-on quince and alsoo palm spring(s) vacation(s). (: just a reminder to myself. seee. this wasn't such a deep post, huh?