Heh. Weird mood again.

So what happens when someone in your life feels like they just screwed themselves over? What happens when you want to say it's not true, but know you'll be lying, and when they can't even bring themselves to care anymore? What happens when you've never done anything but look up to that person, and they've tried so hard to do things right, so that you don't end up screwed up also? Then, after them realizing they've done all this crappy stuff, they still try so hard to keep you happy and keep you part of their life. It's just weird. When they tell you there's nothing more they can do in their lives to disappoint anyone, that they're already as low as they can get. What happens then??

It's a curious thing, this unit of people we call our family. Our immediate family. They're the ones you hate and scream at and despise and fight and envy and compete with all your life. Yet you can still bring yourselves to love them. But there are just certain things. They happen, and you can't even bring yourself to tell your family members. Then, if you can't tell them, who can you tell? And what if it's something that happens within your family? Who can you tell then? No one wants to make it seem like their family is insane or let anyone else know what their families' problems are. No one does, right? But really, no one does have a perfect family. So at the same time, if you do find some person that will listen to you and who can relate to you, you don't want to over-exaggerate things and make it seem like everything is horrible and you can't go on living with these people, because truthfully, you can.

No one, especially me, wants to make it seem like they fight so hard every day to keep that smile on their face, that answer of, "Yeah, OF COURSE everything's fine!" ready to tell anyone who cares enough to ask. No one wants to tell people the stupid things that happen that make you sit in your room wondering who you care enough about more, wondering who you're willing to defend. And then you end up not defending anyone. No one wants to tell people they fight within themselves to decide whether to actually listen to the screaming or to totally block it all out.

And I want so badly to be able to truthfully answer someone for once. When they ask me. And they know for a fact as if it were in a history book, that I am not okay, that something's going on with me. I want to tell them everything that's ever happened in my life that made me how I am right now. Starting from that one thing. I want them not to give up on me, not to walk away knowing that I'm lying and that I'm not okay. I want to be able to tell someone, without the fear of everyone finding out, or being laughed at, or being told that nothing's really wrong, that it's all normal. But I can't.

Mostly, I want to be able to cry about anything and everything. Not hold it in, even in front of my own parents and brothers. I don't want to this one person in my life to hurt themselves trying to protect me from the real world, where people do fight and get mad and cry and yell. But usually, it seems easier just not to talk to any of them. So I guess that's what I'm doing.

But, again, don't go thinking my life totally got ruined today, or anyone else's for that matter. I just find that I think about this stuff a lot, and it's much easier to let it out on here or in a journal then to a person and much MUCH easier than keeping it to myself. My family isn't totally and utterly damaged, but it isn't perfect either. I just want to get that out there. And this is MY truth. I'll tell people otherwise, and then I'll confuse myself about everything, and my family and my friends will say differently about my life. But this is all me. And I'm not turning depressed, I just need to get this out sometime, so why not now? But next time you see me, don't worry. I'll probably be smiling, or at least not as sad as you would think I am for writing this. Like, right now, I could call a friend and be happy, because I'm not down right now. I think I'm just PMS-ing. x) Just thought I'd clarify that, because I don't want everyone thinking I'm going crazy. Mkay?? (: