Sunday, September 21, 2008

Light the Night <3

It's been a whilee, huh?

So. Yesterday night was Light the Night. It was fuun. I was (still am) sick, so I was sorta up & down. I hope I didn't offend anyone if you talked to me and I sorta just nodded or something. :O that was not my intention. Throughout the whole time, before and during and after the walk, I spent time with a lotta people, not just Megan or Dana or Hannah Joo or those people. Or I spent time alone too. ahahha. I also spent time with Joe&William&Josh. It was pretty fun. I dunno. I think I find myself starting to not fit in as well sometimes with the "typical people" that I used to always spend time with. But I still have fun with them. It's just weird. Like I spent a lot of time during the walk sorta aloneish. ahaha. but that's okay with me. it was still super fun. (oh. and. HAHA. tiffany liu is soo funny and random! i lovee her!)

And right when we finished, we got goody bags, and this thing dropped out of this guys bag. So I was near Isabel and I told her and i was about to get it but then she reached for it. and then it was so cute. because she gave it to him and said it was his, and he looked so confused but then he gave her this big amazing smile and then she started to leave and then he yelled out "Hey! Thanks!" and it was so touching. like. I dunno. I found it so wonderful.

The walk was touching. So many people there, all affected in their own individual way. There were toddlers who had posters for their mom who died, there were whole cheer squads there for someone on their team, and it was just, together-ing. x] There was this one part, and it was supposed to be a "moment of silence" part, and i was trying to read all the statistics and facts and look at the pictures, but this annoying rock band was playing music so loud and it was distracting. but i was walking alone during that part, and I almost cried, because it was so sad.

but yeeah. that was that. (: i think i have a shin splint. ): it hurts a loot. and we have a game on tuesday! alsoo, yesterday my voice was totally disappearing, and it's getting a little bit better now. I feel less sick. If i get totally better on my own, that's the first time it's ever happened in a super long time. because i almost always go to the doctor right when i get a little bit sick.

ohh. like about the not fitting in as much thing. i noticed i started doing this, but i didn't know anyone else did. but apparently i've turned down a lot of offers to go play with people. and people have asked me why i don't play as much anymore. and it's partially because my mom has gotten super mad about it more than once since the summer started, and it's partially because none of them get my mom. none of them believe me that she actually cares that i get home by a certain time, or that i don't change plans last minute, or that i stay home to do chores. they all think i'm making up excuses to not hang out. or they all think i'm exaggerating and my mom will ease up in like a day. and none of them know how hard it is to keep her happy. and part of it is i'd rather not hang out with them. lip sync practices were so fun. but the ones with the guys and the girls were the funnest. because there were so many people there i wouldn't normally talk to. and they were so crazy and believable and easy to be myself around. besides the practices, i've only been to one person's house, and only once, and it was to "study" for history, since before september. and for me, that's unusual. buut oh well. and this one person, she's the one i feel the most comfortable around, out of my supposed "close friends." because i don't try around her, and i trust her, and she trusts me, and we don't have any awkwardness at all, that i can sense. but yeah. this little thing went no where. but i just had to get it out because i wrote the rest of the post and then remembered this part. so sorry it's so random. x)

kay. it's getting late and i still have work to do. time to get ready for another mondaay. ):

Sunday, September 14, 2008

you say hello, i say goodbye.(:

2012! Third place babyy! Congrats everyone who participated! (: Thank you SOOOO much to cabinet and to AmritaDoshi&AngelChoi&SagarK. Us four are competitions, and Angel was IN CHARGE of this! (: most people don't know either of those facts, but that's fine. we still placeed. and YAY for seniors who won first place. I love you, Adrian!

So, my day was okay up till sixth period. FREAKING schedule change. -__- now i have rosenburg instead of collins. ): i almost cried. or yelled. or both. and then when miss collins gave me a hug at the end of class i got even sadder. and (if you don't know my train of thinking, this will confuse you like heck) these two classes that got switched; i had certain people in the classes that it was my ONly class with them. and it was my only chance to talk to those certain people. but i'll get over myself. i guess i'll try to like rosenburg. -_- fourth & fifth periods are gonna be hell. 4th spanish 3 with no one i know (DON'T try to tell me it's my fault for being in that class. i had NO choice. i've heard it before) and then 5th period with rosenburg right before lunchh. ):

But then savanna was freaking easyy. the second game thing, i was the first server, and i got 11 straight points because they were so bad they couldn't get the ball over. like, come on, sure, we're whitney kids. but we don't suck like crap. you could at least TRY to compete with us.

theen a buncha lipsync people got ready at my house (which smells good according to michelle) (: that was fuun. jessica totally knocked out on my couch and we were all tired. but we cut shirts and watched people curl eyelashes and ate chicken tenders super fast and made a mess. fun stuff. (:

buuut. on the off-note. for once, i'm almost always feeling normal around people. not fake and not super extra happy or peppy, and not super flirty, and not super bitchy. i feel like i'm being somewhat myself, whoever that is. i don't question whether i'm faking it or i'm pretending lately. it feels good to go up to someone and talk to them or play with them or yell around them, and not be self-concious as to what they'll think of you. Now, only to find someone to talk to about everythingg. x)

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

I never thought that I had any more to give <3

Music, once again, is my main escape.(: I love it.

The fact is, I know life is crazy and has its many up's&down's and that I'm bound to go through so much, good and bad, and I know not everyone is going to like me, and I know that I'm going to fight with people. I know that no matter how much you want that fairytale story, it's most likely not possible. There's just this thing. It seems like, the more you go through, the more you get hurt emotionally and physically, the more you come to learn yourself as a person and what you can handle, the more you seem to grow and stand out and learn to protect yourself. A person is so much more vulnerable if they've never been hurt. So much more fragile if they don't know what their limits are. A person is so much more naive if they haven't been through much in their life.

Sure, I know I'm still naive also. I haven't been through shit compared to some people. Through your eyes, I might seem to have an almost perfect life. But I, and I alone, know what goes on in my head, in my house, in my family. And I know that by your standards of my supposed life, the life you're exposed to, the parts that you see, things do go wrong. Things do get crappy. I do get mad. I do cry. My family does fight. I do stay in my room and tune out my parents and my brother yelling at each other. I do have people I'd want to call if I'm crying my eyes out and just need someone to be there for me. I do cry myself to sleep at night and I do spend time out just to avoid being home. I also know things weren't like this before. Things used to be fine. I used to think I had such a perfect happy life.

Then some things happened to my mom, to me, to my dad, to everyone, and we went through stuff we didn't know how to handle together as a family unit. So we fell apart. There are times when we seem like we're glued back together, almost as perfect, with just a few flaws here and there, and I want to cry with happiness. But then one of those flaws, it gets jabbed at and poked, and there we go again. Crumbling away into a dark, scary space. It's not even enclosed. We fall further and further apart, all the pieces flying and all the glue melting away. And there I am, feeling lost all over again. It just gets too much to handle sometimes.

And now Danny's gone. He can leave. He can be safe and happy in Connecticut. He can remain close to all of us over the phone, with no chances of my parents getting mad at him. He's not here anymore, for me to rant to about our parents or about Adrian. He's not here to make all those things a joking, laughing matter. And I was mad the night before he left. I was so mad at my mom, and I ran upstairs after i got home about to cry, and all I said was hi to him. He told me to look on my desk, and i found a pair of earrings. I barely could say thank you, I was choking up. That night, I think I cried all night, even in my sleep. I was thinking about my whole family and what happened to it. Then he woke me up at around 4:30 and said he was leaving. So I said bye. And he was gone. Just like that. It's just hard, that's all. It's one of the first times I've really missed him, and I don't even know why.

My family. It can't even go through one dinner at a restaurant for a special occasion without getting annoyed at each other. It's sort of like, I know we're meant for each other so we can fight and scream and yell, and know we'll still love each other. But when you doubt that you'll still love each other, doesn't that defeat the purpose of the family? You're supposed to trust them, to treasure them, to hold them dear to your heart. You're supposed to tell them what's happening in your life, they're there for you to hold you when you cry, or to be happy for you when you succeed in something. So what happens when you can't tell them much, when you'd rather be other places all the time, when you can't let them see you cry, and you still feel sad when you've succeeded in something, and you can tell they're trying so hard to be happy? It just doesn't seem right.

Go ahead. Tell me everyone's families are like that. Tell me things will get better. Tell me I'll be fine. Tell me to put on a smile and pretend I've got all I want. Tell me to be someone I'm not, to believe in things that might not be true. Tell me to accept my family as it is, and to trust that you do too. Tell me you love your family like you should, even with the fights and the punishments and the anger. How many of those things can you tell me truthfully? That everyone's families are like that. That's about it. And that's the worst of them all. Shouldn't we be better at being families by now? It seems like we have too much of everything else. Too much of friends, too much of going out, too much technology, too many things to get mad about, too many things to be protected from. Too little of focusing on what your brother or sister did in school today, on what your dad did at work today, at how good your mom's food tastes this night. Too little communication, too much putting on a show for everyone else to see. Too little of being real and genuine towards each other. I want to love my family, truthfully, for their good and bad qualities, I want them to know I'd be no one without them. I want everyone to love their families with their whole hearts. But that's sort of a lot to ask for huh? Which is so, so wrong.

Done. With this rant/post/insight/whatever you want to call it. I'm sorry if you read this. I just finally got on a roll with it. And there's so much I've needed to say, and this isn't even half of it. But at least I got this out. If you skipped here, that's fine.(: I've realized my trains of thoughts are really hard to follow anyways. So this might be majorly confusing. But if you did read it, thanks for bearing with me.(: