being told by your brother that you fucked up



means that you really fucked up.



and this isn't about college.



I'm gonna write my new years resolutions soon. and i know what they're gonna be.


a new year means new beginnings, less mistakes, a better attitude, and a more trustworthy me.

You know, you're cute.
The reasons you've made me happy in the past few days:
The fact that you JUST texted me as I was writing this.
What you told me today.
Your present.
When you told me Merry Christmas.
Your (dad's) (fake) invitation to your Christmas party.
The fact that you called me like eight times that day.
That you wanted to hear my voice and see me.
 You asking to hang out again today, even if it was for less than an hour. Your belief that I'll get everything done.
:)

12/31, 1/1, 1/2, 1/15 let's go.

fuck fuck fuck. so much is going on. i'm losing my handle on things. I'm procrastinating when i KNOW i have no time. I keep getting distracted. as if i'm a fucking child. dear lord. please help me get through this. help me finish with apps. keep my future in mind. don't let me fall through the cracks. keep an eye on my family. help me do all the things that I need to do for the people around me. basically five more days and I'm done with this part. then i have, on top of college, hc/ffs/civics/english/ts :( tomorrow, i'll be the most fucking motivated person you've seen. no slacking. no distractions. I'm going to get shit done. and then get my shit together. <3

"Quizás te diga un día que dejé de quererte, aunque siga queriéndote más allá de la muerte; y acaso no comprendas en esa despedida, que, aunque la amistad nos une, nos separa la vida." This is probably the most pretty thing I've read in a really long time. In Rafaela, Argentina, their school year is coming to a close and this was posted by one of the friends of one of the girls that stayed with me here, because they are in their last year of high school. Basically (roughly) translated into English it means: Perhaps one day I'll tell you that I stopped loving you, although I'll love you until after death; and what you might not understand is that in this farewell, although friendship unites us, life separates us. but it sounds 10000x better in Spanish. I have been working on essays today all day. I really wish I would have started earlier, because I woulda been so relieved. It doesnt seem that hard right now, but once someone reads them through for me I'm scared that they'll tell me to completely change them. oh well. I can't wait to be done with applications. I freaking hate civics right now. I have so much to do for that class. -___- and on top of it all, I'm freaking sick and haven't been able to hear through my right ear since Sunday :( but yeah, back to work!

Adrian, I think that they're scared it's going to happen to me, too. I'm scared it's going to happen to me, too. I'm worried that they're watching me too closely. There are so many days where there's nothing motivating me at all except my fear of becoming like that. So many days where I'd rather drop everything and just lie there or sleep, where it seems like the easiest thing to do. Days when I want to cut myself off from everyone and not communicate with anyone. Days when I'm sick of trying. I wish I could talk to you about this. You would be the only one who could help me. But I really can't.

I wish we were at the point where you could tell me anything, without me having to pry.

"I'm just saying, you could do better. Tell me have you heard that lately?"


so confused.

just a side note: I FUCKING LOVE YOU ARCHIE! :) your comments make me sooo happy and of course I love you in real life HAHAH. but as always, i like to keep my blog world and real life separate even though you will not fail to bring this up in person HAHA.


and on another side noteeee. I'M SUPER EXCITED FOR SENIOR YEAR CABINET AND SENIOR ACTIVITIES AND DOING EVERYTHING WE PLANNED AS A CABINET YAYYY <3

I already know I'm going to be so bittersweet, love/hate about this year.

All around me are familiar faces / Worn out places, worn out faces / Bright and early for the daily races / Going nowhere, going nowhere

help me figure out who I am. I want to ask everyone for this help. But the truth is, no one else knows who I am, so they can't help me. It's something I need to do on my own, but I'm scared of finding out. What if I end up dissatisfied with who I turn out to be?

please be okay. i don't know how to get through to you. but please please please be okay and you better know that i am here no matter what time of day it is, or whomever i'm with. if you need me to, i'll drop them in a second and help you out. i love you. i don't want you to break. you're stronger than that, you just don't know it.

Those days

Those days when everything seems to be going wrong.

Those days when every little wrong look sets you off.

Those days when you want to cry every five minutes.

Those days when you feel yourself pushing away no matter how bad you want it.

Those days when you wish you could just give in, just let everything else go.

Those days when you would give anything to say fuck it all and mean it.

Those days when you want just a few more minutes with someone, a few more words, a few more mutual understandings.

Those days when you want to go back in time, to where there was no trouble, because this is too much to handle.

Those days when you feel that the world is going to hell and back, but leaving you there instead of bringing you back with it.

I want one of those days where I'm happy to be where I am, who I am, and with who I want to be. One of those days when you love every second of it, the ups and the downs included. One of those days where you are able to say, "I'd love it" when they ask "What if we..." I need one of those days soon.

It's weird to tell people that, yeah, of course we made up and we're good now. when you don't even believe it yourself at times. I should fix this. :/

I truly, truly appreciate that you are inquiring about her. I'm glad to tell you how she's doing, if she needs anything, and any other details you may want to know. But what about how I'm doing?

The thing is, I'm not all too shaken up, just a little rattled. But I'd still really appreciate the question from some people, or maybe a hug, or something. Just so that I don't become completely numb about the whole thing, because I am definitely on my way there.

"I'm about to lose my mind."

and my emotions. and my body. and my health. my sanity is slipping away. too much and in too little time is driving me crazy. don't get me wrong, for the most part i like being busy, i like having things to do, but lately it's just been too much. i hope things start to get better soon :)

i am fucking sick of this bullshit.

i am fucking sorry that the times that everyone else does well, i fuck up.

i am sorry that i make stupid careless mistakes.

i am sorry that i don't do as fucking well as everyone around me.

i am sorry that i don't dedicate my life to the one thing that matters most in your life, and that i care about other things as well.

i am sorry that i fucking try so hard, even though you may not see it, and i still don't come out on top.

i'm fucking sorry that my best doesn't meet your expectations.

maybe one of these days, you'll all be proud of me instead of her, him, or all the other kids. maybe one of these days, you'll realize that this is important to me, so when I don't do well, i already feel like shit. and you just make it worse.

i snapped at my dad today...
what the fuck is going on with me?

apparently, i suck at being alone. I thought i liked it, but when it was voluntary. But now that it's forced, i fucking hate it and don't know how to handle it.

I feel like my baby's growing up; and I feel like I'm not getting older while she is and I'm getting left behind. Two seemingly different concepts, but they produce basically the same feeling. I don't really know how to react, but I do know that I really am happy for you, I just need time to adjust. Who woulda thought... Anyways, honey, I still love you and I am sooo happy that you are finally content and satisfied, just make sure to always make time for me. <3
And. On a side note. Who would have thought that all I had to do was ask. You're back in my lifee.. and if anyone reading this keeps in touch with me at all, you know you I am talking about, and I must inform you that I'm pretty damn excited. (: