Everything reminds me of you and that's killing me.

One year ago..

Because one year ago today, I was on my way home from the airport, from Argentina. I was leaving behind one of the most unique towns, some of the most amazing people I'd ever met, and some of the best experiences I'd ever have, only to be met with the most cold welcomes and a few friendships about to break. Because one year ago today, one of my best friends broke my heart, a guy had broken my trust and had yet to tell me, and my family had nothing to talk to me about.
Because one year ago today, all I wanted more than anything in the world was to turn my car around and get on to the next flight to Argentina, and spend the rest of my summer there.
Because one year ago today, I was a completely different person than I had been two weeks before, and I wasn't ready to show anyone that I had changed.

Because today, despite all the troubles I had one year ago and still have even to this day, I am happy to be here in my cozy little city for the next month and a half, and I am excited to be moving on to the next chapter of my life at Amherst, with new people and new beginnings. Even though I'm scared and nervous, and sometimes doubt my decision to go so far, and sometimes I wonder how some of my relationships have gotten to the point that they're at right now, I can say without a doubt that I am happy with the majority of the things that happened this past year, and everything has shaped me into the person I am now. Leaving is scary, but it's the best choice for me, and I'll deal with the relationships when the time comes.
Because today, I can say that through the tears I've shed this year, I've had one million times more laughs and smiles to make up for the sad times.
Because today, I am excited for people to see that I've changed through all the experiences I've had.
Because today, I'm thankful for the loves of my life, because they were there for me every minute that they could be, from the ones that have been there since Kindergarten to the ones that I only recently became comfortable with.
Because today, even though I haven't been happy 24/7 for the last year, I know that I'm capable of being ecstatic about things, and I love that.

bittersweet

bittersweet as fuck. i'm in one of my off periods again. super detached and just completely annoyed and frustrated by every little thing. having to make a decision in the midst of this is hell. but i made it.

and i'm happy.

and scared.
and sad.
and overwhelmed.

but I'm excited.

so much to look forward to, so many new places to see, new people to meet, new things to learn, new concepts to be challenged by. but so many things to say good bye to; old friends on different sides of the country, a dog that i've had since 4th grade, new friends i made just this year, brothers that have been my everything since i can remember. that's the scariest, i think. "i'll miss you around here" he broke my heart. dwelling on these sad things is making being happy more difficult, but i definitely am happy to have taken this risk and to get the chance to get to experience new, amazing things.

can we just pause time for eternity.

too much to decide in such a short amount of time.
too many things that will affect our futures, our families, our friends, our interests.
too many people we've met, spreading out everywhere. losing contact. meeting new people. never talking again.
too little time left to make the most of it with the people we love right now, right here. and we know right now is when they matter.

too many things to decide too quickly. i need time to stop. i need to figure out what i want. i need to not be scared.

when you feel like you're the only bad thing that happened during someone's day.

It kinda amazes me that I can be so content just sitting with you. I'm happy around you. No matter what is going on anywhere else in my life, when I'm there with you, I'm happy.