I'm not sad anymore. (:
Archie. You'd get this. Haha. But I said it then. And I was thinking about it right now as I'm trying to finish my webs. And I'm not sad anymore. Not about anything important. Just little things. And I got more happy thinking about that. (:
So here's my update for you. Which is short. But no one else reads this so it doesn't matter. x) Hehehe. <3
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Breathe.
Do you ever feel like you're really not living it up? Like. You have all this time to be young and experience new things and get into trouble and be innocent but all you can notice is the world moving around outside your window? And you're too caught up in the small things, in the hard work, in the drama, of everything to take part in the fun things and the easy things and the things that make you happy? I don't know. I feel like. I'm not sad, exactly. I'm not mad or anything. I'm just not excited about life. And that sorta goes against the whole "don't take anything for granted" thing. I'm looking for something to make me feel alive. Something, someone, it doesn't make a difference. As long as it works. I go through my days doing the same thing, not having much free time, and always feeling half sick. I need energy. I need something that pushes me to my limits, daring me to be free, beckoning for me to be exhilarated, tempting me with the passion and fight that can be reached by only the most deserving of people.
I need life to come knock on my door, asking where I've been for the past few days. I need it to come back to me with the full force of the sun. I'm here. I'm alive. But I don't feel it like I know I have before.
I don't know if this makes sense. I don't really know what I'm saying. It's late. And I'm tired. But yeah. I just. I want to feel more alive than I do right now. I want to be happy. But isn't that what everyone wants?
I need life to come knock on my door, asking where I've been for the past few days. I need it to come back to me with the full force of the sun. I'm here. I'm alive. But I don't feel it like I know I have before.
I don't know if this makes sense. I don't really know what I'm saying. It's late. And I'm tired. But yeah. I just. I want to feel more alive than I do right now. I want to be happy. But isn't that what everyone wants?
Monday, September 28, 2009
Disorder: Schizotypal
Hahaha. I seek comfort in being alone and I'm eccentric, hard to follow, and have odd habits. That's what the high thing is. everything else is low or moderate. but i think I lied on some questions! :D hehehe.
"She sat on her bed, writing about the fights and the tears, the slammed doors and the harsh screams, writing about the fear and the worry for her brothers, about the broken family and the lost hope for a proper home, tears wetting the pages; they tell her to write what she knows, so she does."
I wrote that for a sentence for Palmieri. I didn't realize it. But I think I was kinda writing about myself subconsciously. but i haven't done that in a long while. (: I'm doing good. Or I'm just getting better at ignoring the bad stuff.
and school. is. taking all the energy. out of me. ): but i'm distracting myself. so i must go do homework and study now.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Hahaha. It has my name. (: THIS is from Avi's blog. Buttt I read it. and saw my name. And got excited. Then got sad cause it's a sad cartoon. ): CAUSE my name is NEVER in anything! Like literally, if we're reading something in class and I see my name I start freaking out. And no one gets me. haha.
so. my schedule. (:
2-bender
3-perry
4-homstad (apspanish)
5-palmieri
6-fierro
matching classes?? :D let me knoww.
I keep confusing fierro with palmieri. this is so weird! LIKE I keep telling people I'm in Fierro 5th and getting all excited about having it with them and then I realize I actually have it sixth. ): This is makign me sad. haha. I don't know if I will call my mom "Mom" or "Mrs. Fierro" either is weird. because mom is kinda awkward, and i never call teachers Mrs. I always say ms. so that's weird cause i KNOW my mom's married. HAHAH. but yeaah. enjoy yourself if you're in that class with me. there'll probably be many awkward moments. x)
andandand. ALICEZUO inspired me to make cool bracelets. but I started one semi cool one, and I don't like the colors. It's pink and yellow. So I don't even wanna finish it cause I don't want it and I can't think of anyone who would wear pink and yellow. ):
THIS WAS going to be a happy post! BUT after every topic I start, something comes up that saddens me. Lol. but they're just small bumps. (: Come to the class bake sale tomorrow! at 10 cause that's when I'll be there! ;D At Ralph's on Pioneer and DelAmo. (: SEE YOU THEN. :D
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Kinda Sorta Do
I thinkk. I kinda miss them two. The people who gave me rides for the longest times, the two guys who I can tell everything to, the brothers that I've leaned on forever, the one that protected me from my parents, the one that explained why my life is how it is to me, the two people who I fought with all the time just because I knew they'd still love me in the end. The two brothers that I have taken for granted all this time. The one who started to hate it here so much it drove him crazy, the one that seemed to go across the country to get away but still always came back, they held me up. The brother that worried about me crying during a stupid family fight, the time I lost it because I saw him hurting. The brother who has taken care of me for the past few years, the one who drives a cool car and will go out of his way to get me somewhere, and is always there to talk to. I miss them. I'm used to Danny being gone, but now with Adrian it's weird. I realized it when I got home today and my bathroom was clean, and it's because they aren't here so there's no one to make it messy. Isn't that weird? A stupid clean bathroom is what reminded me of them being gone. But I'm sure Adrian's having fun at frat parties and Danny's having fun looking for girls to talk to. :D I need school to start. It will distract me and it will give me reasons to be out of the house.
Friday, August 21, 2009
You Believe
"When was the last time you smiled yourself to sleep?" - You Believe, Steven Dunston <3
"Okay," he said. He took a breath. "What would you do, if you could do anything?"
I took a step toward him, closing the space between us. "This," I said. And then I kissed him.
"Everyone had a forever, but given a choice, this would be mine. The one that began in this moment, with Wes, in a kiss that took my breath away, then gave it back - leaving me astounded, amazed, and most of all, alive."
Favorite favorite favorite book of all time. (:
"Okay," he said. He took a breath. "What would you do, if you could do anything?"
I took a step toward him, closing the space between us. "This," I said. And then I kissed him.
"Everyone had a forever, but given a choice, this would be mine. The one that began in this moment, with Wes, in a kiss that took my breath away, then gave it back - leaving me astounded, amazed, and most of all, alive."
Favorite favorite favorite book of all time. (:
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Summer2009
SUMMER2009 has been a fail. but also fun. but also pointless. and i'm getting restless. I want school to start kinda sorta. I wanna talk about my summer so far, but it's been pretty pointless. I still want to (1) go to disneyland, (2) go to Palm Springs with Megan, (3) go to a partayy at amritas house (:, (4) plaay with a certain person that I saw at chuck e cheese's at jessica's birthday, if you know what i mean. ;D but actually, no. this one won't happen ):, (5) go ice skating, (6) go to light the night, (5) watch like 34904190 movies, (6) get better at volleyball, and (7) have a bonding thingie with volleyball girls. BUTBUT there's so much more I want to do. and none of it will happen. and hardly any of these things will happen. how disheartening. ):
sososo. I went on a bracelet making kick, and i got all excited about making them again cause it was a while since I made them. But now, there is no one to give them to. ): cause no one asks me for them since like 2039 bajillion people can make them now. BUT if anybody wants a bracelet, i'd be more than happy to make you one. no joke. I'm that bored that i need to do something with my hands at all times. so if no one wants them, i'm just gonna make like 30 and have no where to put them. and that's a sad future for these poor bracelets.
on another note. "I just don't think you should rush into getting your license. It's a big responsibility to drive around others. I can just take you everywhere for a couple years. Danny and Adrian don't even give you that many rides." Basically. "I'm making up every possible excuse to keep you from driving." -__- L;IJEALK i was so excited to get my permit. and I talked about it with my parents today, and they won't have it. they don't want me to drive. but really, my brothers give me SO many rides all the time, and they'll both be gone now. So I will have many many more awkward rides with my mom because I won't be able to drive. ): it's not really a big deal, it just made me sad.
9 days until: my life changes, there's an extra room in my house, there's one less person to share my bathroom with, there'll be no one to drive that blue car with its respective "yale" and "usc" stickers, until I'm that much closer to being alone with my parents. 9 days until Adrian moves out of the house. All year, I was saying I won't be sad when he leaves. That's it'll be better for him, for me, and for my parents when he's gone. I've been saying I won't cry when we drop him off. That OF COURSE NOT I won't be sad, why would I? but I don't know anymore. It'll be so different. then a couple weeks later, Danny's going back to Yale. And I can't stop thinking about how weird it will be. The two people who I need at home to help me with my parents, who I watch tv with and talk about my life with, the two people who I've relied so heavily on for the past few years. they're both gonna be gone. I'm scared of Adrian leaving. Danny, I always knew he'd come back often. But Adrian. Once he's gone, he's gone for good. I think. He won't come back for random things if he can help it. And now, I'm realizing I'll miss him. And I keep wanting to hang out with him alone before he leaves, like lunch or a movie or Cue or something. But I can't, because he still sees me more as a sister he has to deal with then as a friend. And LIJDAJIJEL i just don't know. I'm so up and down about him leaving. And the thing is, when Danny left, I wasn't as close with him as I feel to Adrian. So it wasn't as tough. But idk maybe i'm just pmsing right now or something. who knows.
I raised my hands as if to show you I was yours
That I was so yours for the taking
And I'm still so yours for the taking
And that's when I felt the wind pick up
I grabbed the rail while choking up
No words to say, And then you kissed me....
this is my new favorite song. <3 I love/hate love songs. x) They're like a beacon of hope but also a flashlight that illuminates all that you can't have. it kinda sucks. But still, when Ade danced to this in Sytycd i literally like swooned. haha. I lovee it. (:
sososo. I went on a bracelet making kick, and i got all excited about making them again cause it was a while since I made them. But now, there is no one to give them to. ): cause no one asks me for them since like 2039 bajillion people can make them now. BUT if anybody wants a bracelet, i'd be more than happy to make you one. no joke. I'm that bored that i need to do something with my hands at all times. so if no one wants them, i'm just gonna make like 30 and have no where to put them. and that's a sad future for these poor bracelets.
on another note. "I just don't think you should rush into getting your license. It's a big responsibility to drive around others. I can just take you everywhere for a couple years. Danny and Adrian don't even give you that many rides." Basically. "I'm making up every possible excuse to keep you from driving." -__- L;IJEALK i was so excited to get my permit. and I talked about it with my parents today, and they won't have it. they don't want me to drive. but really, my brothers give me SO many rides all the time, and they'll both be gone now. So I will have many many more awkward rides with my mom because I won't be able to drive. ): it's not really a big deal, it just made me sad.
9 days until: my life changes, there's an extra room in my house, there's one less person to share my bathroom with, there'll be no one to drive that blue car with its respective "yale" and "usc" stickers, until I'm that much closer to being alone with my parents. 9 days until Adrian moves out of the house. All year, I was saying I won't be sad when he leaves. That's it'll be better for him, for me, and for my parents when he's gone. I've been saying I won't cry when we drop him off. That OF COURSE NOT I won't be sad, why would I? but I don't know anymore. It'll be so different. then a couple weeks later, Danny's going back to Yale. And I can't stop thinking about how weird it will be. The two people who I need at home to help me with my parents, who I watch tv with and talk about my life with, the two people who I've relied so heavily on for the past few years. they're both gonna be gone. I'm scared of Adrian leaving. Danny, I always knew he'd come back often. But Adrian. Once he's gone, he's gone for good. I think. He won't come back for random things if he can help it. And now, I'm realizing I'll miss him. And I keep wanting to hang out with him alone before he leaves, like lunch or a movie or Cue or something. But I can't, because he still sees me more as a sister he has to deal with then as a friend. And LIJDAJIJEL i just don't know. I'm so up and down about him leaving. And the thing is, when Danny left, I wasn't as close with him as I feel to Adrian. So it wasn't as tough. But idk maybe i'm just pmsing right now or something. who knows.
I raised my hands as if to show you I was yours
That I was so yours for the taking
And I'm still so yours for the taking
And that's when I felt the wind pick up
I grabbed the rail while choking up
No words to say, And then you kissed me....
this is my new favorite song. <3 I love/hate love songs. x) They're like a beacon of hope but also a flashlight that illuminates all that you can't have. it kinda sucks. But still, when Ade danced to this in Sytycd i literally like swooned. haha. I lovee it. (:
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