"Can I have a hug?" "WTF?!"

So, I just realized I never got a drawing from him. And that's not gonna mean anything to any of you, but it's true. And now all of a sudden I want one. That's what I asked for the whole time, and I never got it. ): But. Whatever. xD ahahah. I'm a loser.

And freaking. Formal has been coming up a lot. Like "Ooh. FORMAL!" or "Are you gonna go?" "Are you gonna ask someone?" and yeah. I'm getting excited for it. And I want a date. But I doubt I'll get one. And if I get one, I want it to be as friends. ahahah. But I wanna go with friends too. So I dunno. I don't wanna go dress shopping though. ): I hate that part. But getting my hair done is fine and pictures too. ahhaha.

Oh. and. I reallyyy wanna do something crazy to my hair. With color. Like bright red or blue or purple or pink. Like. The bottom layer, or the middle layer, or a random panel. And my daddy said maybe I'm old enough now and my mommy was really iffy but she said if she let me I could do those colors. So i think they'll let me soon! I just have to remind them all the time to think about it. and today at TC, i was getting buddy gifts and shopping, and freaking everyone I saw had COOOL hair with like panelling or layered colors or whatever. And I told my daddy it was a sign I should get it done and he laughed. (:

And. I feel like I have work left, but I can't think of anything. And I don't get the clifford sheet for math so I have to do it tomorrow, and I still have part of bio left. So I guess I'll do it in the morning.

On FRIDAY. Freaking HANNAWOO. >:O Me & Claudine were outside at snack watching a few guys play cards. And like the night before I told her I thought this one guy was cute, so she walks up to all of us and she like puts her arm around him and is like "Hey what's up?!" and like messes up his hair and she's like looking at me with this mischievious glint in her eyes the whole time. So i was like "AHAHA YOU'RE FUNNY HANNA!" and then I left because the bell just rang. AHAH. I'm sucha loser.

OH and i went to Knott's scary farm with EmilyHwang, CharleenDu, AndreaDeLeon, and DanaUrcia on Friday night. It was super fun! (: So this was a random post. (: time to go and finish laundryy.(:

I wanna fix things.

So. I think it's been long enough. I wanna fix this. I really truly do. I think I'm ready to talk it out, I think I'm ready to go back to how it used to be. I don't want to be awkward around her anymore. I don't want to constantly go into tears whenever the subject is brought up with someone else. I really want to fix things. And I'm going to try. (:

Like, really, what happens if you and one of your "best friends" were so good together and then things got weird after certain things happened? What if you and her used to be able to go to each others houses for the whole weekend, and never change out of your pajamas, and eat everything in the kitchen? What if you could sit there and watch TV without feeling the need to talk? What if you could gab on the phone about guys and school and friends forever? What if she's the one you told when those guys popped into your life? What if she stood by and let them spend time with you, instead of being a jealous friend? What if she was there for you to walk around and talk for hours whenever you needed to rant? What if it was hard to talk about super serious stuff, but you still felt so utterly comfortable with her? I miss this. I miss knowing that if I want to wear my glasses, sweats, and have crazy hair I can go to her and still be loved. I miss having crazy play dates where we fight and are rolling on the floor and we're so mean to each other, but we have so much fun anyways. I miss you. <3

I still remember that time. Someone was gone, and I was feeling so down and PMSy. But you didn't really know what was happening. And then in science class I was next to Charleen, and I was trying to explain what was wrong. And I broke down and I started crying. Tears coming down my cheeks crying. So I put my head on my arms on the desk, and Charleen was trying so hard to comfort me. You saw me when you came in, you ran over, and you just hugged me. You said it'd be okay. And I heard you already start to make threats. "What happened, Charleen?" "Did anyone say anything to her?" "He'll be back soon, if not, he's in trouble." And I loved you for it, though you probably don't know that. Then I rubbed my eye and my contact got stuck in my eyelid. So I had to run around the whole school with poofy red teary eyes finding contact solution. How embarrassing. x)

I want it back. I want the friendship back, even if it's not fully the same as before. Even without the title, I'd want that. But I'd give so much for the OLD friendship back, before any problems started happening. I want to figure out with her what went wrong, I want to figure out how to fix things, and I want to be able to talk to her again. I hope I can do it. I hope she wants to do it. I mean, it took me this long to really miss it, so I wonder how long it'll take her.

But, besides this breakthrough (and it is happy at least for me, because now I'm allowing myself to remember how things used to be and allowing myself to want them back), my day was pretty okay. I got a good grade on bio test, I think I have a low B in history, and I have an A in bio. Except I think she gave me the wrong percent, and it's supposed to be higher. Volleyball sorta pissed me off. LIke tomorrow, on EARLY RELEASE day, I have to stay at practice till freaking 3:30. So I can't go play with anyone or go buy food. ): And Coach Debbie was way annoying today. But whatever. Tomorrow's a new day. Or. Today. I guess. Dang how confusing. This was a blog for October 13, kay? But yeah. I hope tomorrow's good despite volleyball. (:

And yeah, I still think you're cute. x)

random. x)

So, that last post was probably most likely not about you. AHAHA. ;D I know who reads this and who can't/doesn't. So it wasn't you. Not that you'd think it was you. AHAH i'm not conceited! But yeah. I keep getting mad my schedule got changed so that I'm in no classes with that person now. ahahah. x) it's okaay. I'm still relatively happy. I think.

The thing is, I'm reading other people's blogs, and they're so serious and stuff. And I keep getting tempted to write non-happy stuff. So. I think I'll write serious stuff sometimes, just not relating to me personally, but a more general type of thing.

I am screwed for spanish and bio tomorrow. Dang. last week was like my ultimate studying week. and I like, burned out. Already. >.< How sad.

But. I got a new laptop!! with a webcam and uber good graphics and yeah it's cool. Let's video chat, yeah? :D i don't even know who has webcams thoughh. and i'm already tired. so I shall go to sleep. I think. because i have to go to school early tomorrow because i left my stupid coloring sheet for bio at school. ): ADIOS. =D

THANK YOU(:

You made me smile about a GAZILLION times today, and you don't even know it. (: Which is good. This is fun. I think I read wayy too much into the things you do, but OHWELL. Thank you for always waving back when I say hi, and always saying you'll try to go, and for being you. (: HEHE. You better not read this. NOT that you would know it was you. Because I try to not make anything obvious. AHAH. Yeah right. But, if you paid attention, you'd notice things. And if you don't pay attention, that's fine. Like I said, this is fun. x) AHAH. I thought about it, and I seriously can't stop smiling. (: But I'm just uber happy today for some reason. (:

"What do YOU want, Marissa?" AHAH Emily Hwang, youu crazyy girl. (: Yay. I'm so happy today. And I got inspired by Tyra Banks on ANTM! ahah. she said this wonderful thing, and it inspirized me. (: We won the last two games we've had, and we played well. I got four kills on Tuesday from my hits. (: AND someone watched the game today. even though I didn't play that well. but whatever. and I really like my volleyball jacket. And I got a 5 on my Rosenburg quiz today, and I feel pretty good about Bio test. HAHA thank you Kevin for studying with me at night time forever! And yeah. I'm just in a happy mood.(:

<3

EmilyYang, ClaudineTalamayan, ChrisPlatt, SayoniSaha, & AliceZuo. Thank you so, so, so much. I have no idea what got into me that night, but I know you guys were there to help. (: (And that entry is going to hibernate in my drafts, because. I don't know. It's too much profanity for my liking, it's too deep into me, and it's something I'd want you to find out if you knew me super well. I don't know if that makes sense, but it is what it is.) But. THANK YOU.(: Lol. that deleted comment I got is making me UBER curios. x)

Hmm. So I've decided to refresh myself. I know in my mind, I'll keep thinking bad things, this-couldn't-get-worse things, and I'll keep thinking I could have such a better life. But I figured the only way I can stop my brain from working this way is to stop encouraging it. So, of course, I know not to let it build up, but I can find a more private vent, a more on-a-need-to-do basis. So only for when I can't find a different way to outlet my mind.

"always ready to cheer up someone else, even if you're feeling down. It's called selflessness." That was in Alice's blog. To Isabel. And I don't know. You, Isabel, and you, Alice, are inspiring me to be more like that. I guess sometimes I am, because most of the time people in real life don't know I'm sad, but I'll still be there to comfort them. But I want to be more like that. I just don't want to be viewed as a depressed crazy person. x) BUT. Isabel, Alice, Michele, everyone who could possibley read this (though they don't have a reason to) : I want to know you better. You've supported me here, but I haven't known you in real life. And it's probably mostly my fault. I suck at making new friends. x) And I say I will try, but I probably won't. So forgive me ahead of time. (: Just. I don't know where I'm getting at with this. I just want to be a better person. (: I want to be good with my mom and my brothers and dad and my friends. I want to help others out. I don't want people to worry about me. I want to be better and stronger. (: So that's my goal for this year. I'll find someone who I can tell everything to, but I won't pour it all out on you guys.(:

And I'll probably be hypocritical. I'll probably come back eventually with a moody crazy post, or I won't talk to you in person, or I'll be selfish. But at least I'm trying. Give me that much, yeah? I guess I'll go to sleep. And sorry if this makes NO sense at all, or if I'm being crazy for wanting to try to change. But yeah. I can't explain. x) So, goodnight(:

Light the Night <3

It's been a whilee, huh?

So. Yesterday night was Light the Night. It was fuun. I was (still am) sick, so I was sorta up & down. I hope I didn't offend anyone if you talked to me and I sorta just nodded or something. :O that was not my intention. Throughout the whole time, before and during and after the walk, I spent time with a lotta people, not just Megan or Dana or Hannah Joo or those people. Or I spent time alone too. ahahha. I also spent time with Joe&William&Josh. It was pretty fun. I dunno. I think I find myself starting to not fit in as well sometimes with the "typical people" that I used to always spend time with. But I still have fun with them. It's just weird. Like I spent a lot of time during the walk sorta aloneish. ahaha. but that's okay with me. it was still super fun. (oh. and. HAHA. tiffany liu is soo funny and random! i lovee her!)

And right when we finished, we got goody bags, and this thing dropped out of this guys bag. So I was near Isabel and I told her and i was about to get it but then she reached for it. and then it was so cute. because she gave it to him and said it was his, and he looked so confused but then he gave her this big amazing smile and then she started to leave and then he yelled out "Hey! Thanks!" and it was so touching. like. I dunno. I found it so wonderful.

The walk was touching. So many people there, all affected in their own individual way. There were toddlers who had posters for their mom who died, there were whole cheer squads there for someone on their team, and it was just, together-ing. x] There was this one part, and it was supposed to be a "moment of silence" part, and i was trying to read all the statistics and facts and look at the pictures, but this annoying rock band was playing music so loud and it was distracting. but i was walking alone during that part, and I almost cried, because it was so sad.

but yeeah. that was that. (: i think i have a shin splint. ): it hurts a loot. and we have a game on tuesday! alsoo, yesterday my voice was totally disappearing, and it's getting a little bit better now. I feel less sick. If i get totally better on my own, that's the first time it's ever happened in a super long time. because i almost always go to the doctor right when i get a little bit sick.

ohh. like about the not fitting in as much thing. i noticed i started doing this, but i didn't know anyone else did. but apparently i've turned down a lot of offers to go play with people. and people have asked me why i don't play as much anymore. and it's partially because my mom has gotten super mad about it more than once since the summer started, and it's partially because none of them get my mom. none of them believe me that she actually cares that i get home by a certain time, or that i don't change plans last minute, or that i stay home to do chores. they all think i'm making up excuses to not hang out. or they all think i'm exaggerating and my mom will ease up in like a day. and none of them know how hard it is to keep her happy. and part of it is i'd rather not hang out with them. lip sync practices were so fun. but the ones with the guys and the girls were the funnest. because there were so many people there i wouldn't normally talk to. and they were so crazy and believable and easy to be myself around. besides the practices, i've only been to one person's house, and only once, and it was to "study" for history, since before september. and for me, that's unusual. buut oh well. and this one person, she's the one i feel the most comfortable around, out of my supposed "close friends." because i don't try around her, and i trust her, and she trusts me, and we don't have any awkwardness at all, that i can sense. but yeah. this little thing went no where. but i just had to get it out because i wrote the rest of the post and then remembered this part. so sorry it's so random. x)

kay. it's getting late and i still have work to do. time to get ready for another mondaay. ):

you say hello, i say goodbye.(:

2012! Third place babyy! Congrats everyone who participated! (: Thank you SOOOO much to cabinet and to AmritaDoshi&AngelChoi&SagarK. Us four are competitions, and Angel was IN CHARGE of this! (: most people don't know either of those facts, but that's fine. we still placeed. and YAY for seniors who won first place. I love you, Adrian!

So, my day was okay up till sixth period. FREAKING schedule change. -__- now i have rosenburg instead of collins. ): i almost cried. or yelled. or both. and then when miss collins gave me a hug at the end of class i got even sadder. and (if you don't know my train of thinking, this will confuse you like heck) these two classes that got switched; i had certain people in the classes that it was my ONly class with them. and it was my only chance to talk to those certain people. but i'll get over myself. i guess i'll try to like rosenburg. -_- fourth & fifth periods are gonna be hell. 4th spanish 3 with no one i know (DON'T try to tell me it's my fault for being in that class. i had NO choice. i've heard it before) and then 5th period with rosenburg right before lunchh. ):

But then savanna was freaking easyy. the second game thing, i was the first server, and i got 11 straight points because they were so bad they couldn't get the ball over. like, come on, sure, we're whitney kids. but we don't suck like crap. you could at least TRY to compete with us.

theen a buncha lipsync people got ready at my house (which smells good according to michelle) (: that was fuun. jessica totally knocked out on my couch and we were all tired. but we cut shirts and watched people curl eyelashes and ate chicken tenders super fast and made a mess. fun stuff. (:

buuut. on the off-note. for once, i'm almost always feeling normal around people. not fake and not super extra happy or peppy, and not super flirty, and not super bitchy. i feel like i'm being somewhat myself, whoever that is. i don't question whether i'm faking it or i'm pretending lately. it feels good to go up to someone and talk to them or play with them or yell around them, and not be self-concious as to what they'll think of you. Now, only to find someone to talk to about everythingg. x)